Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Sharon Stone's Vagina

After almost 15 years, Sharon Stone's vagina has come back to reclaim the career that Sharon Stone herself derailed. Basic Instinct was a steamy pseudo-thriller that stunned audiences with it's graphic content. Actually, it wasn't the graphic content that stunned audiences so much as the hype that promised us stunning graphic content. What was actually released was a watered down version of soft core porn. The best part of the whole movie was Wayne Knight lecherously gobbling up Sharon Stone with his beady little eyes. That was the best acting in the whole movie. Newman!

Aside from Knight, the acting wasn't even that good. Stone and Douglas were over the top and the bit players desperately mugged for the camera in hopes that audiences might remember that they were in the movie too. The plot was as thin as something Ron Jeremy might have starred in. Sadly, nobody in Basic Instinct had the talent or charisma of Ron Jeremy. If it hadn't been for all the hype, nobody would have watched.

Even so, Basic Instinct gave us 14 years of Sharon Stone who played the vixen a few more times before people realized she wasn't exceptionally talented and moved on. Didn't she start to look a little too much like Hilary Clinton? For a while, anyway. After a string of forgettable movie parts and embarrassing television appearances, Stone took a look in the mirror and realized that cosmetic surgery wasn't doing what it used to and that she had one last chance to cash in on her looks. Either that or it was doing some cheesy movies on Lifetime.

Enter Basic Instinct 2. The movie opened to less than stellar reviews and limited box office interest. Perhaps people didn't buy the hype this time around. Why would they? Back in 1992 audiences were led to believe that the sex in Basic Instinct was going to leave people gasping for air, what it did was leave the entire country with a case of blue balls. We got all worked up for the sex we were promised and got a slowly paced attempt at a thriller with way too much of Michael Douglas' butt.

Sharon has hit the interview circuit talking about how she insisted they put in steamy sex scenes. Apparently she realizes that her big mistake since Basic Instinct was trying to be a real actress. By the way, I read some article that said Sharon Stone's IQ tested over 150. Can that be right? Because on this press tour she's been on she seems a little stupid. Was that score really an SAT result? I'm not kidding, the woman sounds like Butthead in every interview. She just giggles and says the dumbest things.

It's quite clear that this is an aging starlet's last grasp at her sexual vitality. She's getting older and her fame is dwindling. Stone has even hinted that this film is much deeper than people realize. She has tried to pawn it off as some sort of rally cry for Hollywood to realize that older women are still sexy.

Of course they are, Sharon. Especially when they have spent millions of dollars on the best cosmetic surgery in the world. Plastic Surgeons around Hollywood are less like doctors and more like meat cutters trimming hunks of flabby skin off the slabs of celebrity meat on their tables. News flash, to Ms. Stone: You're actually part of the problem. When you go to great lengths to look 29 again, the only point you prove is that there really is no room for 50 year-old women on the big screen. At least not playing a femme fatale.

Shame on Sharon Stone for pretending that BI2 is about anything other than her pay day. She found herself on the A-list when she spread her legs in Basic Instinct, so logic would dictate that doing it again 14 years later would get her back into prominence. At least back on the B-list.

But she's wrong. Nobody wants to see her vagina anymore. Vaginas just don't change that much and if they do it's typically not for the better. It's not mean, it's the truth. We've seen Sharon's goodies. That's why actresses who rely heavily on their looks don't last long. Once you see what they've got, you lose interest. It's like reading a mystery. Once you finish the book, it's just not the same if you go back and read it again. Jessica Alba would be wise to take note.

And it's not fair. It's ridiculous that Harrison Ford can still play the leading man at 64 while Virginia Madsen has to play his house Frau at 20 years his junior. Or how about Kevin Spacey casting 20 year-old Kate Bosworth as his love interest in Beyond the Sea? He's older than her dad! It's preposterous that Hollywood will try to pass septuagenarian actors off as forty-something and then pair them with a love interest who just turned 21. What about the women? Karen Allen was good enough to play Harrison Ford's love interest when she was 30. Why can't she play his wife now? She's still 10 years younger than he is. Totally unfair.

But honestly, women do it to themselves. Seriously. Read the polls. Women still find Harrison Ford, Sean Connery and Robert Redford sexy. Paul Newman's closing in on 90 and women will still give him credit for being hot. Who's sick?

And men aren't really as picky as you think. Honestly, I think women find older actresses in romantic leads objectionable. Men usually want to skip the romantic scenes and the gratuitous sex so they can watch the special effects and artfully crafted violence. I think it's the female viewers who cringe at a mature actress playing the damsel in distress. Men take what they can get. Did you see American Pie? MILF? Says it all.

Besides, men are pigs. We get our skin from real pornography. We don't need to watch some almost-rated-nc17 movie to get our jollies. We can go online or grab a Hustler from the local magazine rack and get hard core porn to satisfy our need for visual sex. No. The mainstream movies are for women. Sharon Stone isn't baring her vagina for the men of the world, she's doing it for all the ladies. And the money.

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