American Direct Inc: Bringing you the latest in a long line of scams.

Let me depart from my normal mode of irreverent satire and mount my high horse so that I may impart a little bit of wisdom to the masses...at least the smattering of people who occasionally stumble across my blog. A blog that I carefully write on a surprisingly regular basis. A blog that contains a superior degree of narrative professionalism. A blog, that I humbly submit, might be among the most readable articles available in mass media. The internet is mass media. I am a journalist. Hey, if those carpet baggers on Fox can call themselves journalists I should be able to call myself one too. Hell, if they pass for journalists I should be able to pass as a brain surgeon. Ass clowns.

OK, it's bullshit. Like so much of the garbage floating out there today, but at least I'm not writing about my cat. I wouldn't do that. She made me sign a confidentiality agreement.

Moving along, I think I should start my American Direct story by providing you some background. I am what people commonly refer to as a loser. I disagree, mind you, opting to label myself as creatively efficient and even a little precocious, but I realize that there are a lot of people who don't see me that way at all. Fortunately that is a small group of people formally referred to as my family. Just kidding. Sort of.

It's not that the road I have taken is less traveled so much as it has not been a direct route. The interesting thing is that in spite of failing to take the freeway to get where so many of us go, by bending a few rules and taking a few shortcuts I am exactly where I should be. In many ways I am well ahead of where I should be. How else can you explain a 35 year-old with four grand kids? You heard me! So what's this got to do with American Direct? Wait! Who is American Direct, Inc.? And why is this Steve V. C. character continuously typing the name American Direct in his blog?

Part of it is to make that name stick in your head. American Direct. Say with me! American Direct. Incorporated. Got it? Of course you do. The other reason is that Google will catch that name in my blog and position it based on the number of times it appears in this file. I believe that American Direct deserves to be given full attention. AMERICAN DIRECT!

Denny Crane.

This ties into my life as a loser because as a loser I have been sucked into a number of scams. Like paying $300 for information on how to become an air traffic controller and earn a six figure income while flying the world for free. Right. But I was 20 and stupid. I also took several jobs that were scams. Jobs that promised to promote me to management within a few months. Then I was sent out to middle class neighborhoods to sell $1200 sets of encyclopedias. This was in the early 1990's before Al Gore invented the internet and people could look stuff up for free. I also sold junk jewelry to people at work. Wanna buy this rope chain? Scams.

I have encountered several others throughout my life, but my experience in being scammed as well as being asked to scam insulated me from being sucked in. I know when something isn't legit and I can walk away. That's a great feeling. And before you start thinking that it's easy, let me just say that it's not at all. Don't assume that scam artists are stupid people. They are often very intelligent and highly perceptive. Scam artists could probably form a club, set IQ as a qualifying factor and Mensa wouldn't get in.

Some very smart people get screwed by scams such as the one I recently observed at a company that goes by the name American Direct. They even ensconce themselves in Old Glory and feature a magnificent eagle in their imagery. Patriots don't screw people over. That's why Trugreen Chemlawn ran out and slapped American flags on their trucks and uniforms right after 9-11. I know because I even got scammed by them. But that's another story. American Direct is the here and the now.

American Direct's scheme is membership shopping. We're not talking about soft scams like Costco and Sam's Club. Those places spell it out for you and anybody who can do math can recognize that those wholesale clubs don't pass the smell test. Not unless you habitually buy 62% fat hamburgers in 30 pound packages. Nope. American Direct promises to cut you in on capitalism's dirty little secret: Factory pricing. They wave suspicious invoices and mysterious distributor catalogues in front of their marks showing them the differences between the retail price and the price the manufacturer charges for goods right off the assembly line. Which, to be honest, is a huge difference but not quite as dramatic as that portrayed by American Direct.

Now let me be above board. I don't know that American Direct, Inc. is lying about the fact that they can attain goods at a price well below the retail price. It's quite possible that they do save some money for those who agree to join the club, or co-op as they call it. In fact, I suspect that they do save just enough money to prevent them from being locked up for fraud. But their marketing tactics have scam written all over them.

First they hit you with the phone call. Basic sweepstakes telemarketing to selected zip codes that are likely to yield results. Blue collar types. Middle income. Potentially dense. They tell you that you are a guaranteed winner who will receive one of five prizes with the top prize being a BRAND NEW TRUCK!!! Notice that it's not a car. Demographics. Joe Nascar don't want no hatchback.

It's harmless. They don't want anything from you over the phone. Just let them send a brochure about the contest, which is easy to accept. A few days go by and the packet comes in the mail. Once again, it's vague. They don't tell you what they want, but to claim you guaranteed prize you have to show up and endure a "presentation". No strings attached...you are guaranteed a great prize.

Let me say that I knew this was a scam from the start. These things always are. They probably never give away the top prize and stick people with the prize of least value which is usually some certificate for a couple of nights in some motel room outside of Branson, Missouri...or as I like to call it: hell. Sorry, but rednecks and white trash converging in the same fetid sweatbox for good old fashioned "white" entertainment is not my idea of a good time. Granted they do have several options which include Orlando, Gatlinburg and Honolulu. Orlando is lard ass tourist heaven, Gatlinburg is like a KKK meeting with rides and Honolulu is a pipe dream because anybody who can afford the flight out there isn't going to want to hole up in some Days Inn 3 miles inland. Scam. American Direct.

But if that's not enough to convince you that American Direct is a scam, let's skip past the routine presentation, which includes audience participation and a lot of energy, and move right to the close. That's where the fun is. You see, they don't tell you anything about the price of membership until they have completely run through the pitch and even addressed some personal needs to get you on that hook. The price is a dead giveaway that something is amiss.

American Direct, Inc. has a two part price. The annual membership fee is only $200. Very reasonable for a club that promises to deliver savings of 50% off of the lowest retail price on the open market. In fact, I might have sprung for $200 and immediately ordered a plasma screen T.V. for $500 since that's the price they claimed I could grab it for. Even though I doubt that I would ever see it since this place had the look and feel of a fly by night operation that was only going to be in that site as long as they could book pigeons for their presentations.

But they wanted a start up fee. A one time initial payment that would help us all escape from the shackles of retail forever. After a very dramatic rally the final lock to this mystical land was revealed: $1999. That's one thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars. Two grand. Cha-ching. American Direct needed to secure this payment in order to pay the bills and acquire factory direct goods from every manufacturer in the world. Ouch. American. Direct. Scam. Inc.

American Direct realizes that it didn't invite wealthy people to participate in this so they can take payments on the initial installment and they claim to be willing to let you name the terms. I didn't see if they would take $10 a month for the next 200 months, but I suspect that they floated that $199 annual fee out there to set a baseline. If anybody offered less than that they had to balk. I've seen that game played before. They weren't taking less than $200. My litmus test was a little different.

I told the girl who was assigned as my closer that I needed to verify the company. She was nice and I could tell that she was just a naive little girl who got sucked into some job that was not what she thought it would be. 15 years ago I was in her shoes, working around sleazy guys in cheap gold chains with too much product in their hair. I know she wanted to jump in front of a train and I wanted to tell her that McDonald's offered a better career path. She was in the wrong place. When I politely and effectively shut her down, she deferred to one of the sleazy supervisors who walked in wearing pinstriped pants and a black silk shirt with too many buttons opened. If he weren't so young I think I would have ripped him to pieces but I laid low, played the part and stroked him to see if I could get two days to make a decision. No dice. Pay now. American Direct.

That's your cue. Any legitimate deal is going to be there tomorrow. I'm not talking about buying some collectible item or buying a prime piece of real estate. There are some purchases you have to make quickly, but a membership service is not one of them. Especially when they give you no information up front and make nothing available for public review. Anything you have to buy now, is something you can verify the actual value of now. You won't hear of American Direct unless you go to a presentation and you can't learn about how they really work unless you pay. Their website requires a password and offers no insight into their operation. SCAM!

American Direct, Inc. asks you to take a leap of faith. They require a large investment up front and provide you with no way to try them out to see if they're for real. Everything they say sounds too good to be true and in order to find out if it is, you have to hand them a check. Anybody that does is asking for trouble. If American Direct calls you, go ahead and go to the presentation. See if your key starts the Ranger, let yourself get excited about the world of direct purchasing but when they ask for your money ask them to give you three days to make a rational decision. Their answer should speak for itself. Better yet tell them that you'd like a 30 day free trial. Tell them you'll agree to pay the full membership fee up front upon delivery of your first three purchases. They won't do it. They'll give you every excuse in the book from contractual obligations to state business regulations, but they won't let your become a member until you hand them your money.

I could call the BBB or the Attorney General's office but why? First, they won't do anything. The Better Business Bureau is a bigger fraud than anything that has ever been reported to them. They do nothing outside of waste time and collect membership dues. Just like Angie's list or Who's Who among American High School Students. Pay a fee and you can be famous too. Or reputable. The AG is almost as bad. In Ohio, the AG basically collects a salary to prepare for a run at the Governor's office. They don't do a dammed thing. Except waste taxpayer dollars. And take bribes. Too bad there isn't some sort of legal official who is elected to make sure politicians do their jobs... Secondly, I don't want to bust them. I think that companies like American Direct serve a valuable purpose.

Actually they serve several. One is that they provide people with limited principals a means to earn a living. Crooks have to eat too, right? Would you rather they screw over people stupid enough to hand them money or do you find stick up men more honorable? Personally, I favor these scam artists over politicians anyday. I can protect my money from the scam artists. Politicians just take it from me. Honestly I prefer robbers to politicians. Yes, I would rather be car jacked than taxed. I would rather be gang raped, beaten and left for dead by a gang of Amish bikers than endure the endless heist that is American politics.

Another purpose is education. Julie, the girl who tried to close me at American Direct, is just a young girl trying to make her way. I respect that. She's in a bad spot and has to hate her job. I know I did. She'll figure it out and emerge a better person. She'll take a lousy experience with a crappy company and parlay that into a fine career. She'll learn not to define yourself by your job. It's the other way around and sometimes there are jobs that just aren't worth doing. Walk away. In fact, she's learning more about the real world at American Direct than she could in any business class in any college. Take that, Yale. Speaking of scams, eh?

Sorry, folks, but a college education isn't worth much more than the paper the degree is printed on. Sometimes that degree can attain a nice salary for you, but that degree doesn't mean that you aren't a complete moron. In fact, that degree sometimes inhibits your ability to realize that you're an asshole and everybody knows it. You think that paper tells you that you're smart and educated, when it actually says you took four years off while a lot of people were actually learning something meaningful. Well in my economics 101 class...Guess what, the real world is so far past Econ 101 it's not funny. You could get a PhD in Economics and still not get it. That's why these guys at American Direct don't have degrees. That's also why they are rich. Sorry, but doing keg stands every other night and skipping that 10:00 leadership class to recover is not preparing you for the real world. Going to it isn't either. Julie is getting a masters degree in life and if she can keep her chin up and push through it, she's going to be just fine.

As much as I loath the game American Direct plays, I have to respect what they ultimately accomplish. In 3 years they'll be gone on and the owners will be setting up their latest racket, but the suckers still be lining up. They really are born every minute and with NASCAR steadily sucking brain cells out of the middle class, thousands are being created every day. For every dollar they scam, soul they steal and dream they crush, five strong people will emerge a little wiser and a lot stronger. American Direct helped me hone skills I developed the hard way. Maybe Julie's building those skills right now. At American Direct.

Redneck TV

I used to think Jeff Foxworthy was a funny guy. There was a time when he was making fun of white trash and inbred hicks. Now he ensconces himself in that shroud of ignorance and laughs all the way to the bank. Larry the Cable guy started out as a parody of the stereotypical hick, but somehow he's become some cultural hero that people almost look up to.

The two of them anchor a show entitled Blue Collar TV. Somehow elevating their trivial and tired acts into some sort of working class celebration. As somebody who comes from a blue collar background I find it insulting to assume that everybody in the working class would be entertained by the stupid crap these hacks foist upon their viewing audience.

I don't begrudge these guys making money. Nothing would give me more joy than to realize a revenue source in making a complete ass of myself and if I could exploit some niche market to maintain a lucrative following I am certain I would pander to that audience too.

My issue is with the fact that there is an audience that celebrates the disagreeable negative stereotypes portrayed by these comics. When Chris Rock did his bit on the difference between black people and niggers, he didn't embrace an audience of gang-bangers and remove the satire from his act to embrace them. He was speaking to his audience of regular people of all colors. He was bemoaning the fact that a handful of jerks ruin life for everybody by perpetrating a negative stereotype. It was a biting commentary on our society that addressed the small minority of blacks who live down to negative stereotypes while skewering whites who accept that stereotype in general. Best of all it was funny.

Foxworthy used to be funny because he made fun of a segment of white society that represents a small but very negative minority. He wasn't exceptionally cruel in his comedy, but he made fun of those hopeless morons who think it's OK to leave the trash in a pile in the back yard instead of walking it out to the curb once a week. Suddenly his You might be a redneck... schtick is like some sort of anthem for the mobile home set. It's not funny when the people you're making fun of wear that joke like some badge of honor. Foxworthy doesn't care as long as the money keeps rolling in.

Larry the Cable guy has departed from his witless banter about naked grandmothers and fart induced fires to dabble in political issues but his political commentary isn't comedy or satire. Since Larry is a character who doesn't so much tell jokes as he does portray them, the political aspect of Larry the Cable guy comes across as racist and ignorant. The lines between comedy and hate-mongering are blurred.

In fact the lines between Larry the Cable guy and his creator have become blurred to the point where Dan Whitney no longer exists. In Cars the role of Mater is credited to Larry the Cable guy. The same is true in Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. One would think that Dan Whitney, who started out with several characters he would portray, would want to have a career outside of Larry. Eventually the novelty will wear off and Larry the Cable guy will go the way of Buster Poindexter, and other fictional characters that became part of pop culture. Sure Dan Whitney will still have the money, but will he still be trying to milk that Larry the Cable guy act 20 years from now?

I suppose that the success of this genre speaks to the ignorance of the fans. Since most of those who watch Blue Collar TV wouldn't know how to spell satire much less define it, these idiots think that Larry the Cable guy is empowering in some sort of way and that being a redneck can't be a bad thing if they talk about it on TV. They are simple minded people and the comics have resorted to very simple material to amuse their audience.

Jesus doesn't like Country Music

I try to avoid country music. I try to avoid anything that makes the wrinkles in my brain smooth over, which is why I don't watch Desperate Housewives or talk to my neighbor. Somethings just make you dumber. I actually had to teach myself how to ride a bike again after trying to have a conversation with an uncle and when I hear country music on a distant radio I get a sudden urge to eat paint and make out with my sister.

Over the past few years I have been subjected to country music in the workplace, in stores or even in the occasional diner and in each instance I couldn't fathom something more objectionable. Maybe getting poked in the eye, but only if it scratched the cornea. I despise country music. No offense to old souls like Willie Nelson who is more of a folk artist than a country star and there was a time when country didn't have this in-your-face red state mentality, but to this day I can only name about 15 country songs I find redeeming and they are all at least 25 years old. Most of those songs aren't really country at all. Crazy is more of a jazz number and Walking after Midnight was only country because a white girl couldn't sing a black song and get away with it. Today it would be R&B.

Now, the uber-patriotic garbage spewed by clowns like Toby Keith has been replaced with bible-thumping Jesus music. Last year's American Idol winner, Carrie Underroos, has topped the hick charts with Jesus take the Wheel. Other artists have cranked out similar odes to the messiah as well with the sub-genre of redneck gospel seeming to peak right now. The quickest path to the top of the country charts runs right through the sacred heart of Jesus Christ.

Somehow, I don't think Jesus would be cool with that. This isn't some accident like Spirit in the Sky, Nashville is printing money by dropping the biggest name in western society, besides John Lennon that is. What we are seeing is a very conscientious decision to convert Christ into cash. Cha-Ching! Jesus loves me this I know, for my investments seem to grow. With each word I sing to thee, another royalty is sent to me.

The irony is so thick it's a wonder they can even breath. First of all, Jesus was against mixing money with religion. He committed his only documented act of aggression when he turned over tables and ran the merchants out of the temple. Now these country music hacks are writing songs about him and topping charts. They can tithe all they want, but Jesus wasn't the kind of guy who would be interested in 10%. Jesus wasn't not about the money, he was vehemently opposed to money. I don't expect much out of country singers because if they were smart they would have gotten that job managing the local Circle K, but can you spell sin? Here's a hint: I just spelled it.


But it goes deeper. Even if you took Jesus out of country music and showed the guy some respect by not profiteering off of him, he'd still be perturbed with country music. It's the type of values that are represented in country music that Jesus would have found disheartening. Jesus was a tolerant man who encouraged people to mind their own business. Judge not lest ye shall be judged...ring a bell? He didn't support the government nor did he support religious authority. Jesus was clearly an outspoken liberal. If he were alive today, he'd be labeled an America-hating pinko communist just like the Dixie Chicks and John Kerry.

Country, both the musical genre and the fan base, proved how narrow-minded and intolerant it was when the Dixie Chicks took a pre-concert shot at George W. Bush. Country fans were outraged and they gleefully burned their CD's and sent the girls death threats. Country music luminaries like Toby Keith piled on and took shots at the Dixie Chicks because it was a great opportunity to sell more records. Sadly, the free-willed legacy of country icons such as Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson was ignored while moronic fans and greedy artists circled their wagons around a provincial philosophy of me right, you wrong.

Jesus wouldn't be feeling it. If he does take the wheel, he'll crash into a wall to put himself out of the misery of being stuck in a car with some country singer who just doesn't get it. Carrie Underwood won American Idol because she's blond and her ass looks good in tight jeans. Don't sing about Jesus, paint on a pair of pants, squeeze into a belly shirt and shake what your momma gave you. It's got to be less of a sin to sell sex than it is to sell Jesus.

The Sports that Aren't

Barry Bonds will quickly ease past Babe Ruth in the record books this spring. Nobody cares. Barry's on steroids and everybody knows it, but even without the steroids Barry is a surly jerk who disgraces the game with his selfishness and his arrogance. He could hit 800 home runs and nobody would care. Yes, he's a marvelous athlete but he's a jackass. The sooner he falls off the face of the earth the better. He's got about 2000 fans who love him, but most of them don't know a thing about baseball. If they did, they'd hate Bonds too. Charles Manson has fans too. More than Barry. That doesn't make him a hero, does it? How many rings does Barry have? None. Is it his fault? You bet. And everybody in baseball thinks it's funny.

Remember when MacGuire and Sosa invigorated the sport with their quest for the record? Bonds is driving fans away with every dinger he hits. Yes, Sosa and MacGuire were on steroids, but they were at least engaging. Fans would happily look past Barry's massive cranium and bottle fed muscles if only he could be a little bit personable. Sadly, the steroids are only a scapegoat. If Barry's prowess were thanks to nothing but the whole grain goodness of Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats people would still hate him. Because he's an ass. Baseball isn't a sport right now. It's a bad soap opera. Desperate Gym Thugs.

The NHL playoffs are on right now. At least that's what I've been told. I know the NBA is in the midst of its post season, but only because I'm a Cavaliers fan. Yeah, I hopped off that bandwagon a few years back, but can you blame me? Shawn Kemp took up most of the room with his 350 pounds and his 47 kids from 59 mothers. It's a good thing he played the field because he sure as hell wasn't playing basketball when he came to Cleveland. I guess he dunked a few doughnuts though. Now the Cav's have Lebron James who might actually be Superman and I'll be cheering them on until they trade him for Lamar Odom and a bowl of Chicken Corn Chowder. That's the M.O. in Cleveland.

I'd like to like hockey. I watched a Stanley Cup finals once and it was pretty good, but since then I haven't been able to stay focused. It's the same crap game in and game out. They skate really hard, slap the puck back and forth and then they fight. Hockey purists say that fighting is an integral part of the game, but I thinks it's a load of crap. If you can't settle your differences within the rules of the game there's no point in playing. Since there's no point in playing, I see no point in watching. I think I can name three players who currently play in the NHL, but I can't tell you what positions they play of if they're even any good. I really look forward to the day when I can walk up to an NHL star and tell him that yes, I really do want fries with that.

At least hockey players are athletes. They can do things that nobody else can do. I can't skate backward and I know that I couldn't keep my feet if somebody nudged me, so I have to respect the athleticism. That's not true for NASCAR. I suppose all auto racing is pretty stupid, but NASCAR's key demographic makes that version of racing all the more objectionable. These people are so foul that tornadoes make a point to hit trailer parks. I don't know if there is a god, but tornadoes definitely don't like rednecks. I can see why. Tornadoes might be more effective at culling the herd of inbred morlocks if they would sneak up on the Daytona 500. The rednecks that survived would eventually die of boredom with no NASCAR to watch.

Even if there was some little part of me that liked NASCAR I wouldn't admit it because I wouldn't want to be even remotely associated with the bottom feeders who wave NASCAR flags around like Dale Earnhardt is some kind of country. To put this in perspective, I really don't like American Idol and I don't have respect for the morons who vote after each show, but I can still admit that I watch the show. I loath NASCAR. Inbred country bumpkins driving cars around a circle really fast. Whoopee!

These guys aren't athletes. Aside from wearing adult diapers they really aren't doing anything that much more impressive than I do every morning. No I don't drive 200 miles per hour, my mini van tops out at 93, but my tires are out of balance, my struts are bad and I need an alignment. I think that the mechanical difficulty I face adds about 100 miles per hour to whatever speed I'm traveling. Let's see Jeff Gordon get to my office in 25 minutes in rush hour in that death trap. See what I'm saying?

The other non-sport of the season came this past weekend. The Kentucky Derby is what NASCAR fans did before the car was invented. Now it's supposed to be classy because the patrons dress like colonel Sanders and suck down mint juleps all day. I do declare. Elves beating horses with sticks is what passes for class these days. Not impressed. What do you think those horses might do if they didn't have some 86 pound gnome whacking them with a Fiberglas whip all afternoon? Probably mosey on over to the infield and munch on some of that sweet Kentucky Bluegrass.

I don't like watching people race around a track. I can respect it because it's impressive and I can admire the hours and hours of hard work the athlete puts in to be the best he can be. Horses don't make that kind of commitment. Sure they train, but not by choice. People have to choose. Those cars don't make choices either. They just do what they're told. Frankly, sitting on your butt while something else does all the work is not very athletic. I have more respect for bowlers than I do jockeys or drivers. I wouldn't call a bowler an athlete but I have to respect the tremendous level of skill the bowler has achieved. Driving a car or riding a horse around an oval track is idiotically simplistic. It's not really very impressive.

This is really the worst time of the year for entertainment. Poorly written season finales will segue into a summer of crappy reruns and even crappier summer specials. Baseball is months away from being interesting. The intriguing teams in the NBA will get knocked out of the playoffs leaving the Pistons and Spurs slugging it out in defensive games that feature low scores and lower ratings. Sadly gas prices are too high for people to get out and explore the world for something better. What a sad state of affairs...

Dude, where's my god?

People always seem to be finding god. As though god is like a set of keys that can be misplaced.

The thing is, the people who find god are always these desperate people who are on the brink of being held accountable. Prison inmates always find god, to which we can only be thankful that god is an intangible object that can't be whittled into a shiv or a shank and used to harm other inmates. Intangibility is also convenient because inmates like to tell everybody that they found god. If god could be smoked this sort of proclamation would be dangerous because other inmates would be inclined to steal god.

You never hear about happy, successful, law-abiding people finding god. Spouses who cheat seem to find god right around the same time their affair is discovered. Drug addicts find god right before they get busted for kiting bad checks and pedophiles seem to find god three seconds after they realize that the 12 year-old boy they were instant messaging is actually a 29 year-old cop. But nobody seems to find god until they need a miracle to get out of a jam.

Too bad keys aren't like that. We've all had one of those mornings where everything seems stacked against us. We slept through the alarm, and woke up to realize that all of our work clothes are still in the washer because we forgot to put them in the drier before bed. Somehow, we manage to overcome these obstacles and find ourselves in a fine position to make up lost time by speeding to work, only to discover that our keys are gone. Eventually we find them, too often in the ignition of the car, but not until we have lost our opportunity to get to work on time.

If keys were divine, we'd only lose them when it didn't matter. Like on one of those Sunday mornings when you get a craving for an Egg McMuffin, but settle for a bowl of Captain Crunch because we couldn't find the keys. It's disappointing, but not enough to fret over. The keys will turn up. But come Wednesday when you can't miss that sales meeting those keys are hidden better than Jimmy Hoffa.

God's exactly the opposite of keys. I've looked for him, even though I really didn't need him. I didn't need those Almond M&M's either, but when I found them I still ate them and very much enjoyed their chocolate goodness. I don't know if god's as satisfying as candy-coated, chocolate-covered almonds, but I'd love to try. If only I could find him.

I suppose I'll have to wait until I shoot a nun or run over a cop, then I can only imagine god will be right there in my jacket pocket. Just like my keys.

Baby Cruise destined for trouble

It's a shame that Scientologists can't avail themselves of psychiatric care. Tom Cruise is clearly in need of serious mental therapy. Isn't it obvious that he's a danger to himself an others? He could have seriously hurt himself hopping up and down on Oprah's couch, might have crushed several vertebrae in Katie Holmes' neck when he grabbed her for one of those very public I'm not gay kisses and anybody who saw his glare down with Matt Lauer knows that Cruise was inches from snatching Lauer's heart right out of his chest. Speaking of Lauer, does his vanishing hair have anything to do with Katie Couric leaving for CBS? And why would CBS hire a talking head with no lips? But I digress.

Now they let Tom Cruise have a baby. That's just wrong. Instead of trying to brainwash co-stars, Cruise can focus on building a Scientology drone from scratch. Why can Tom Cruise have a baby with a mindless bubble head when they won't let Angelina Jolie have one? I know she's pregnant but clearly authorities stepped in to stop the madness forcing Jolie to escape to a non-extradition country to have her baby. Namibia? I didn't even know that was country until she went there. Why didn't somebody do the same with Cruise? The country would be a better place if he left. Well maybe not better, but certainly a little less frightening. Every time I reach for my lithium I'm terrified Tom Cruise will leap out of my couch cushions to yell at me. I'd feel a lot better if he were in Africa somewhere preaching Scientology to cannibals. They might have good placenta recipes.

I know, the placenta thing was supposed to be a joke. But how can we be sure? Did he say it in all seriousness and then back off when he realized that it was just a step or two over the edge? And what kind of joke is that anyway? A joke would be threatening to sell the placenta on e-Bay. That's funny. But eating it? Not funny. Especially when you have already proven to the entire world that you're insane. Comedy is clearly not one of Tom's strong suits.

And what was up with Tom Cruise doing all the talking. Katie Holmes was pregnant, but yet it was always Tom talking about what kind of delivery it would be. When does the man ever have any say in the actual delivery? Most men are smart enough to shut up and be supportive, because they know what's coming. Since we don't have to squeeze something weighing around 8 pounds out of our nether regions, we know better than to pontificate about the miracle of child birth.

But not Tom. He was just as chatty as you please, talking about a drug-free and silent delivery. Eight pounds Tom! Katie weighs in at about 120 pounds and she's about to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an orifice that might provide a snug fit for two fingers (we can dream right?) and Tom's talking about silent deliveries? HA. No wonder he backed off those statements. Oprah probably called him and gave him a lecture on the subject.

Now that the baby has arrived, the real circus will begin. Will Cruise have the child's brain removed and modified at a scientology assimilation clinic or will he count on intensive daily instruction to mold his baby into the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard? Who knows? The only thing we know for sure is that this child is heading for one disturbing childhood.

The best part about this, is that we won't have to hear about this anymore. Now that Tom and Katie have squeezed forth their spawn, the press will focus attention on Angelina's baby. Since she's in Namibia, it's going to be hard to get information out quickly, but the preoccupation with it will distract the masses from Tom Cruise and his brat. Then of course we'll have to get Jennifer Anniston's reaction to Brad being a brand new father and we'll learn of Vince Vaughn's dark secret of impotence at the hands of mechanical bull riding contests. The point is, there is enough going on to distract us that we won't have to obsess over Tom and Kate's new baby as if it were our own.

Which might be exactly what Tom wants. He'll carefully mold his child into a Scientological warrior and before we realize the evil he has unleashed on our world it will be too late. Our planet will be overtaken by angry thetans.

Jesus vs. Easter Bunny

Easter is a confusing time of year for kids. And even some adults. On one hand they're being told the story of the resurrection, which is really quite creepy, while on the other they anticipate the arrival of a giant bunny who delivers colored eggs, gifts and chocolate effigies. A quick review of the Bible does not reveal any scriptures depicting the existence of a giant bunny any where in Jesus' time. So where did he come from?

I thought the answer might be in those religious texts that theologians study but never discuss because they confuse people. I searched the web and made some calls but there were no stories that connected the dots between the Easter Bunny and Jesus Christ. Clearly the two must be connected because churches around the world sponsor Easter Egg hunts.

Knowing what I do about Christianity and how it has a long history of commandeering other deities and holidays (how else do you explain the saints and the correlation between Christian holidays and pagan rituals?) I decided that the Easter Bunny might actually be an ancient god from a forgotten religion. Clearly the Easter Bunny's powers were impressive and the Catholic Church could not successfully remove him from parlance so they found away to allow Jesus and the Easter Bunny to coexist.

But which one is better?

Jesus walked on water, healed the sick and turned water into wine (I hope it wasn't the water he walked on). Clearly he had some pretty impressive tricks up his sleeve and people loved him. They loved him so much that 2000 years later he is worshipped as a god. Until Elvis came along there was nobody who had such an enduring following. In another 1500 years Christianity might evolve to incorporate Elvis into its theology, or Elvis might end up being the cornerstone of a new religion.

On the subject of Elvis we should carefully watch how the cult around his legend develops. I remain convinced that the fact that the letters in his name can be arranged to spell "evils" is not a simple coincidence. Anyway, Elvis didn't perform any miracles. Tom Parker did by turning somebody so cool into a punch line before the Elvis was out of his prime, but Elvis wasn't a miracle worker. Jesus performed miracles.

But the Easter Bunny is a miracle worker too. First of all, the image of a giant bunny is impressive. That's a miracle in itself. Jesus was a guy. Sure his mom claims she was a virgin, but how many women have tried that one? Come on. And even if she was, is that really a testament to Jesus? Maybe Mary was exceptionally fertile. Maybe she got hammered one night at a frat party. Who knows?

Regardless of birthright, the Easter Bunny is a giant rabbit carrying around a magic basket. No confusion on who he is. Jesus had to tell you who he was. Even if you don't know the Easter Bunny you would be in awe if you saw him. Or terrified. Jesus was an average guy with dirty feet. So on the first impression scale the Easter Bunny wins hands down.

When it comes to miracles Jesus was impressive but Jesus didn't have to contend with billions of children. In one day the Easter Bunny manages to deliver eggs, gifts and goodies to children all around the world. Jesus did his thing in an area not much larger than Massachusetts. More important is the fact that the Easter Bunny is still performing his miracle every year. Jesus has been laying low for a while. Points go to the bunny.

As for the lessons they teach I have to call it a draw. Jesus told people to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Even though some do bad things and justify it by saying they'd like to be treated that way, most people don't dodge this issue with semantics. Jesus had some good ideas. But so does the Easter Bunny. If anything the Easter Bunny might be more effective in encouraging people to behave responsibly because you don't get any gifts if you're bad. Only good boys and girls get a basket from the Easter Bunny. If you're bad that giant bunny will eat your hostas. I've seen evidence of that.

The thing that troubles me about Jesus is that I think he might have been a vampire. He told the apostles that they could enjoy eternal life if they drank his blood and ate his flesh. That's pretty gross. I've been told that this is a metaphor, but if you go to church and take communion you drink wine and eat a piece of a wafer that supposedly represents the flesh and blood of Jesus. That's just weird. The term communion in itself is just creepy. Aside from church the only time you hear that word used is in movies where the planet is being invaded by alien pod people. And the way people commune in churches is eerily similar to the way they commune in movies. Like their minds are being controlled by a slimy brain leech from another world.

The Easter Bunny doesn't ask you to eat him. Which is a shame because bunnies are tasty. They taste like chicken. Now a giant bunny who is thousands of years old and travels around the world would be a little tough, but a slow simmer would yield a tasty stew. Throw in some carrots and some garlic and you've got a great dinner. It's not weird or gross. People eat bunnies all the time. I would not try to take down a bunny the size of a Kodiak bear but he would be yummy if one was so inclined.

Having eaten the Jesus wafer I can tell you that he is not a very tasty savior. He's dry and bland. They really could use a little Ecumenical cheese or at least a little disciple butter. Sometimes I think that cheaper churches cut costs by breaking off little chunks of styrofoam and I know that they water down the wine. Some churches use grape juice... and not a brand name either. I've seen many a jug of cheap grape drink in the church dumpster on Monday morning. Did Jesus have high fructose corn syrup coursing through his veins?

When it comes to eating your messiah, the bunny wins. You see, the bunny never told anybody to eat him, which makes his love unconditional...as long as you're good. Jesus wanted people to eat him. Which makes me wonder if he was being literal, or simply expressing his frustration with the people he was talking to. I've told quite a few people to eat me (or at least certain parts) but I didn't mean it.

If you do eat the bunny you are rewarded with a delicious meal that sticks to your ribs. With Jesus you get a stale cracker that has no taste and a little half-shot of a mystery beverage that doesn't quite wash it down. In some Catholic masses they actually drink out of the same goblet. With herpes and mad cow disease running around out there I think I'd rather enjoy my Jesus in a plastic shot glass, if you don't mind.

When you break it down the Easter Bunny is the better deity by a long shot. He's more impressive, more powerful and more interactive than Jesus. If Jesus would take the time to deliver gifts to people around the world once a year, he'd have a shot. At passing Santa Claus. Yeah, that's right, Santa Claus. We didn't compare him to Jesus today, but if we're being honest Santa holds a narrow edge over Jesus. I don't think either of them has a chance of passing the Easter Bunny. Santa tries by giving more gifts, but everybody knows that his exploitation of wildlife and guest workers is what makes him the commodity he is. Besides, that fat SOB not only demands good behavior in exchange for gifts, he wants cookies left out at every house. No wonder he's such a fat hog in spite of being so allegedly busy. But at least he delivers gifts! Jesus is still telling people to eat him 2000 years later.

Sharon Stone's Vagina

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American Sheeple...

I can't believe how easily distracted Americans are. I live here and work here and realize that Americans are inherently lazy and generally stupid, but even I am stunned by how easily manipulated the American public has become. For nearly six years our country has been struggling to recover from terrorist attacks. Regardless of which political camp you come from, the fact is clear that America is in trouble.

The president is suffering from a staggering lack of public support. The war in Iraq has not gone as planned and the reasons for invading Iraq have become increasingly unclear. Fuel prices are high, wages are down and national debt is spiraling out of control. Republicans running for office in November have distanced themselves from the Bush administration and many self-described conservatives have taken the very public position of declaring Bush a liberal Strong words in today's political arena, where a politician would rather be called a child molester, drug addict or even a conspirator. Anything but the "L" word.

So it would stand to reason that this November's election would revolve around fiscal responsibility, a definitive exit strategy for Iraq and a new foreign policy that would restore our country to its former position of benevolent global constable instead of maintaining our current status as self-righteous international bully.

That's not the case. This November the touchstone issue will be immigration. Somehow this issue, which has been smoldering on the back burner of partisan politics for decades, has suddenly become a hot button topic. It covers all of the meaningful bases: Jobs, budget, and national security; while it relegates both parties to their core constituencies.

In the border states, Republicans will play to hard-working white Americans who are besieged with brown-skinned people speaking a foreign language. Democrats will reach out to the immigrants and promise to work hard to make the pursuit of the American Dream a little easier. In short, both parties will play the race card.

In the working class states the Democrats will go on the offensive against the guest worker provisions in the bill rallying unions and blue collar workers to the cause of protecting American jobs and benefits. The Republicans will cater to the business owners and champion their cause of securing low cost labor that will allow businesses to remain profitably competitive. In other words it's all about the money.

Some mavericks will surely dig into the meatier issues such as the war on terror, the national debt and the heavy handed national security measures employed by the Bush administration, but they will largely be ignored by the rest of the partisan hopefuls looking for a good clean fight over a topic that both parties will happily ignore once elected. Nobody wants to make this election about something that can come back to haunt them in two years. Immigration is that shiny new toy that the kids fight over for a few hours before realizing that the box it came in is a little more interesting. By the end of November, immigration will be forgotten and everybody will go back to sparring over partisan politics while they feel out the platform for the next big election.

Isn't it ironic that in an era where this country is so bitterly divided over such critical issues, the ruling parties can find common ground and work together to continue to deceive the people? America truly is a great place.

For politicians.

Dr. Coulter, venom woman.

My name is Steve Croyle and I'm a liberal.

I never expected it to go this far, but I look in the mirror and I just don't recognize the guy in looking back at me. I guess it started in high school. I befriended a couple of black guys. It wasn't like I was hooked or anything. We only hung out on the weekends and before I knew it I was listening to Public Enemy on headphones in my room, but that's as bad as it got. I mean, I think I might have had a gay friend, but we never did anything together and he didn't tell me he was gay. It's just looking back I think it was obvious. Excuse me, but pegged jeans are so 1985.

Sure, I hugged my share of trees every now and then, but what self-respecting kid doesn't? It's not like I was eating granola! Although I did enjoy the occasional bowl of Grape Nuts. I had a Nature Valley bar once, but I don't think people should be held accountable for youthful indiscretions. Besides, I didn't really like it.

College is where things got out of hand. I got caught up in the "issues". First it was the environment, then it was affirmative action and I even formed an opinion on abortion. That being that I wasn't ready to have a kid or abstain. It was college, girls were putting out and I was 18. Most guys are pro-choice until they get married and then they are only pro-life if their wives get pregnant. Mistresses should always be allowed to choose not to have a child.

Still, it wasn't that bad. Yes, I openly associated with admitted homosexuals and several blacks who were taking full advantage of affirmative action by accepting minority scholarship money, but I still hadn't strayed too far. Everybody experiments, right?

Then I changed my major and took journalism classes. That's where I think things spiraled out of control. We used to close the door to the mass media center and mainline the first amendment until we were giddy. The professors supplied all of the copies of the Constitution we needed and seemed delighted when we got all hopped up on ideals. They pushed their free expression dope on us and we were their junkies. They encouraged us to think for ourselves and question everything, even the government. Even Operation Desert Storm!

I got hooked on liberty and questioned authority at every turn. I didn't want to play the game by somebody else's rules. I was a squeaky wheel, a whistle blower, a square peg. I couldn't even see the writing on the wall when I was fired for challenging an employer's discriminatory HR practices. I was blinded by my own bleeding heart. Letters and essays piled up. I raged against machines I was powerless to stop. I bought organic vegetables. I donated money to Moveon.org and I even considered joining the Green Party. I actually voted for Ralph Nader. Twice! Still, I couldn't see the evil of my ways.

It wasn't until I finally decided to focus on a book that I saw myself for what I was: An America-hating pinko communist. It was the rational writing style of sage columnists such as Ann Coulter and political commentator Bill O'Reilly who enlightened me to the error of my ways. Now I realize the terrible damage I have done to myself, my family and my country by embracing such heinous concepts as civil rights, environmental protection, social services and mutual cultural respect. How sick!

Liberals are destroying America with their sinister compassion and diabolical sensitivity. Issues like women's rights and racial equality have turned this country into a septic pit of moral corruption and hopeless depravity. Tax codes that require the wealthiest people to shoulder a reasonable burden of responsibility for the country's long term success have crushed the American Dream of benevolent monopolies that control prices and ease the minds of consumers by eliminating choice. And unions, that relentlessly empower workers with the ability to consolidate their influence in order to negotiate better pay and benefits, have reduced our workforce to a mindless hoard of gluttonous pigs devouring the resources of our country's major corporations. There are CEO's out there who haven't seen a seven figure Christmas bonus yet... and it's 2006! And for what? Family medical coverage? Liberals passed child labor laws years ago, but the unions still want to cut Jr. in on medical coverage. How American is that? If the family wants medical insurance, the family should earn it.

And they won't stop there. Liberals want this country to find an alternative to fossil fuels which would force Americans to drive zero emissions vehicles and ultimately rob thousands of the rewarding (and safe) careers offered by companies that drill for oil and mine coal. Some liberals even want to legalize industrial hemp which would reduce our consumption of lumber and force manly lumber jacks to trade in their chain saws for pruning shears. Imagine that. A world full of paper made from a plant that only takes a few months to grow. Ridiculous.

And free healthcare! Please. What possible purpose could that serve? If everybody has access to the best medical care available, what advantage would the wealthy have? None. The lord works in mysterious ways, if he wants to poor to die that's his call. We shouldn't question.

I only hope it's not too late for me to undo the damage I have done. There is no telling how many children I have turned gay, or how many of the terrorists I was directly responsible for letting in to this country. I only know that I have done America a grave disservice by being a liberal and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to right those wrongs. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to order some NASCAR tickets.

And you thought Utah was bad?

We mock Utah. It's got a reputation for being a bit, umm, Mormon. Those who haven't been to Utah get the distinct impression that the Osmond family patrols the streets of Utah looking to bring swift Mormon justice to anybody who might be having fun. This is not true. Not entirely anyway. Only half of the Osmond family patrols the streets looking for wayward heathens.

Compared to neighboring Nevada, where prostitution is legal, Utah is a puritanical empire but so is California when held up to that standard of liberty. Yeah, Utah's endured some pretty aggressive overtures from religious zealots but over all it's pretty laid back. Believe me when I tell you that great snow notwithstanding, skiers and snowboarders would not make Utah a destination if the authorities cracked down as much as people think they do.

Utah might not be as progressive as some states, but at least they aren't regressing. Like Ohio. Yes, Ohio is leading the way back to the days of Indian wars and slave auctions. It seems as though Ohio doesn't like what the future holds so the whole state is running back to the turn of the century. The 18th century.

In 2004 Ohio passed a so-called defense of marriage act. Apparently marriage was under attack and needed legislation passed to protect it from people who wanted to get married. I still don't understand how gay people getting married has any impact on straight people getting married but to many Ohioans this issue was of critical importance. More than toxic sediment in Lake Erie; more than corruption in the governor's office. Homosexuals posed the biggest threat to families in Ohio.

Granted, other states passed similar legislation. Even Oregon, the liberal stronghold, passed these gay marriage bans. Although it in Oregon's case you have to wonder if homosexuals secretly supported the ban so that contractual option would remain a moot point. Nobody ever accused a homosexual of being stupid. Prissy? Sure, but stupid? No.

Ohio's ban went a step beyond simply making it illegal for gays to marry. The language in the amendment is written so as to render common law marriages and domestic partnerships legally invalid. So not only did they limit who could get married, they made all other relationships worthless in the eyes of the law. So you've been living together as domestic partners for 30 years? Too bad. You're not family so you'll have to leave the ICU. Very nice. Oh yes, it's that specific. In a medical emergency the state will have the authority to make decisions over your partner. Take that you queers! Oh, and everybody else.

Nevermind the fact that there are some people who aren't religious and don't believe in marital contracts. Many of these people are heterosexual (not that this should matter) and maintain more successful and enduring monogamous relationships than their married peers. Ohio's law punishes them.

Now, with another election coming up, legislators are drafting another moral agenda bill. This time the issue is contraception and whether or not medical professionals have a right to refuse to dispense it. The talking points supporting this bill center on RU486 or Plan B, which is the pill a woman takes immediately after sex to prevent the development of a fertilized egg, but it the language of the bill also allows doctors and pharmacists, who are licensed by the state, to refuse to distribute any contraception.

This is not about personal choice. This is about suspending subjective religious beliefs when you perform your duties as a licensed medical professional. Where do you draw the line? Sure, one doctor might not want to prescribe RU486, but what happens when you need a blood transfusion? What if that doctor believes that treatment is morally objectionable?

That's why I think Ohio's new state anthem should be rewritten. I have submitted the following lyrics to be sung to the tune of Bowling for Soup's 1985:

Ohio just hit the wall
we'’re watching freedom fall
taking evolution away
won'’t let you marry gay
Bill of Rights went out the door
back in 2004
gave our money to one man
and a coin investment plan

We were going to make some progress
shake up history
we were going to change the world
and clean up Lake Erie
but now the Jesus freaks are controlling me
they took my normal life
and drove me back in time, to:

(chorus)
Indentured servants, burnt witches
and knickers were your britches,
we had baked beans, and toiling
there was no time for enjoying
went to service on Sunday
they'’d stone you if you went astray
because things were so cool in 16, 16, 1692.


Those people had it made
it was a simple way
follow the word of god
or they made you pay
women were just like cows
who took marriage vows
you had to obey your spouse
it wasn'’t a thing like now.

Where'’s that burning smell in Salem,
and when did TV become the devil'’s new haven
when did liberty become objective
whatever happened to fire and brimstone
(and no radio)

(chorus)

And the Oscar goes to...HUBRIS!

What a glorious year for Oscar. This year every movie nominated made a statement. This was an Academy Awards night that made everybody in Hollywood feel good about patting themselves on the back. Even Jack Nicholson, who appeared drunk when he presented the award for best picture, can bask in the glow of self-righteousness. You've all earned it. Good day at the office.

Never mind that I don't want to see any of these movies. Look, I'm not some conservative Christian who thinks that watching Brokeback Mountain will force me to reconsider my choice to be heterosexual, I just don't like romance movies. Brokeback Mountain is a chick flick with no chicks. Eventually I'll see it when it shows up on Starz but I don't pay good money to see anybody kiss. Not without an "X" rating anyway.

I'm surprised that Heath Ledger didn't stand up and scream when Best Picture went to Crash. Frankly, I'm surprised Spike Lee didn't do the same. Surely Heath was thinking about Oscar the whole time he sucked face with Jake Gyllenhall. Why else would you do that? His heart probably sank when that fat pig Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who played a gay guy not involved in a love scene, waddled up to take the Best Actor trophy, but he held it in because he might have taken one for the team. Best Picture was the payoff, right? besides, Russell Crowe kind of screwed things up for Australians acting surly. Can't embody a stereotype right? And that stocky jerk isn't even Austrialian! He's from New Zealand. Where does he get off? When Jack opened the envelope and read Crash, Ledger must have been ready to kill somebody. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I KISSED A FREAKING DUDE!!! A DUDE!!! GIVE ME MY OSCAR, YOU SCHEMING BASTARDS!!!! Good job on keeping cool. Give the kid an Oscar for class.

Spike Lee had to be stark raving mad because Crash was only every movie he ever made. It was like Do the Right Thing without Rosie Perez. Where's his Oscar? A couple of white folks rehash his genre and you can't wait to honor them, but let a brotha make a movie and it gets snubbed. OK. I admit I didn't see Crash, but through the previews I was able to get the gist of the movie and I took the liberty of jumping to conclusions. Besides, how good could the movie be? Matt Dillon was in it.

Ironically, Crash was a movie about racism and prejudice, but didn't Hollywood put on one of the whitest Academy Awards ceremonies in recent memory? Sure, they gave 3-6 Mafia an Oscar for best song, but didn't that have TOKEN written all over it? Yeah, I know a couple of years ago Halle Berry and Denzel Washington claimed Oscars for best actress and actor respectively, but anybody who endures a sex scene with Billy Bob deserves something for their trouble and Denzel's wasn't an award for his over-the-top performance in Training Day, it was a payback for screwing him out of the nod for his performance in Malcolm X (Spike Lee, again). Still doesn't make up for snubbing The Color Purple now does it?

It was obvious this year's awards were carefully considered. Normally you've got one good movie amidst a bunch of garbage but this year there were so many heady offerings. Everybody had to be honored.

Best Picture went to Crash because of it's prolific use of black characters and poignant social commentary. It was a life lesson with beautiful people. An after school special with talented performers. A humanities class you pay $7.50 to see. Brokeback Mountain edged itself out of the running because one of the male leads was not black. Had Ang Lee opted to throw race into the mix with the homosexuality, the movie would have swept every important award. As such he fell short.

Best Director was Ang Lee. Partly because people like saying his name but mostly because his father died recently. Nothing spells gold like giving a Hollywood insider a chance to dedicate an Oscar to his dearly departed.

Best Actor: The portly Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It's likely people simply got confused and thought he was actually Dustin Hoffman who is due for one of those lifetime achievement nods they hand out periodically. They tried to sneak one of those in for the brutally aged Judi Dench, but the sympathy votes were split between her and Felicity Huffman and that opened the door for perpetually perky Reese Witherspoon to win Best Actress for what had to be an easy roll in Walk the Line. Does anybody know anything about June Carter other than the fact that she was married to Johnny Cash? Of course not, so how hard could it be to get into character? Cop a southern accent and yell a lot. Easy.

For the record, Felicity Huffman would have wonthe award if she wasn't a regular on a current television show. The Silver Screen bluebloods don't take kindly to those who make a living on the small screen. Playing ugly always scores points (Just ask Charlize Theron) and Huffman worked the freakshow in Transamerica, but it wasn't enough to overcome Desperate Housewives. But she gets to see Eva Longoria naked backstage so there's a trade off.
I'd take a steady paying gig and access to naked Eva over a golden statue anyday.

Do you like how I tied those two categories together? Efficient, wasn't it. Too bad The Academy can't do the same, eh? Do we really need three and a half hours of blah?

Supporting Actor went to George Clooney for his work in Good Night and Good Luck, which was artfully filmed in black and white. Yes, Syrianna was the film he was nominated for, but that's just a technicality. He won for directing Good Night and Good Luck. Nobody watched Syrianna. I don't even know if I'm spelling it right and I'm not going to check because I know that nobody will catch it if it's wrong. Hollywood simply can't ignore a film that reminds everybody that Joe McCarthy tried to destroy everything the Academy stands for.


Supporting Actress went to Rachel Weisz of Mummy fame. Apparently she's a good actress but you wouldn't have known it watching The Constant Gardener which was really a Ralph Fiennes vehicle. She was in the movie featured in flashback sequences that actually made the film hard to watch (You see, I actually watched this one! I was tricked by the DVD jacket and a couple of previews that made me think it was exciting. It wasn't.) Here's the rub: She was nominated for Supporting Actress which leads one to believe that some other actress had a more prominent role in the movie, right? Well that's not true. She was the lead actress but she gets killed early and the whole movie is about her husband trying to figure out what happened. It wasn't the cyanide pill that English Patient turned out to be, but it still left something to be desired.

Why did she win? My guess is that The Academy doesn't like the rest of the nominees. Frances McDormand already got an undeserved Oscar for Fargo and Catherine Keener made the mistake of starring opposite Steve Carrell in The 40 year-old Virgin. She's officially blacklisted for that one. Worse than being on TV. The other nominees weren't important enough to garner Academy love, so Weisz won by default. Besides, she English so that kind of makes up for Dench not winning her "Boy, is she still acting" award.

Here's a category that confuses me: Screenplay. They have two. Adapted Screenplay means that somebody took the idea from a book and created a movie script. Original Screenplay is when somebody makes a movie from scratch. It's just a nifty little way Hollywood honors both writers and plagiarists.The Movie business has a long tradition of lacking orginality. Remeber Deep Impact and Armageddon were released in the same year? Tombstone and Wyatt Earp battled for box office love. Not much going on in the creativity department. Brokeback won for adapted screen play, while Crash won the award for being original, or as original as you can be when you steal Spike Lee's career. It's really not that important because the big award is Best Picture. That's the pinnacle. Nobody except the writers care about the screenplay nods. That's why they start pushing the wrters off the stage as soon as they get their hands on Oscar. You got your trophy now go home!

It's the redundancy of the awards that is interesting. What does it say about a director when a movie wins best Picture but he doesn't get Best Director? You'd think that was the end of the road. That's got to be the biggest slap in the face. The Academy just lauded every aspect of the movie you directed but snubbed you. It's like saying that the movie was great in spite of you.

And what does it say about the cast and crew if a movie gets the Oscar for Screenplay but failed to take home best picture? Isn't that a coulda woulda shoulda award? Does that mean Brokeback Mountain would have swept the awards if Phillip Seymour Hoffman had been the lead over heath Ledger? How would Jake Gyllenhall felt about smooching the pudgy PSH?
Yuck.

When you think about it that way, you have to pin the blame of Brokeback's failure on the cast. Ang Lee won for Best Director. The plagiarists...I mean writers...won for best adapted Screenplay. Nobody from Crash won any acting awards so the difference had to be Ledger and Gyllenhall. They must have squandered the brilliant direction of Ang Lee and the careful adaptation of the writers.( Notice how I, a writer, refuse to give them their props? It's because I have no idea who they are. I think Larry McMurtry helped out but that's all I know.) How else do you explain it? Unless the whole thing is a premeditated sham. HMMM.

Anna earned that money...

Anna Nicole Smith appeared before the Supreme Court this morning but the hearing was postponed when four of the justices experienced heart palpatations while the vivacious celebrity stood up to be sworn in.

The matter at hand is the estate of J. Howard Marshall, the 89 year-old billionaire Anna Nicole married back in 1994. Marshall died after one year of marriage that included lavishing the buxom star with expensive gifts. When the old coot finally died, Anna contended that she was entitled to half of his 1.6 billion dollar estate. Marshall's surviving family disputed that assertion and a long battle ensued. Marshall's son, Pierce managed to convince state courts that he was the only heir to the estate, but Smith's pursuit of the matter in federal court revealed that Pierce destroyed evidence and altered paperwork that might have given credence to Smith's case. Smith was awarded nearly 500 million by the federal court, but an appeal by the Marshall family has moved the case forward. The Supreme Court will decide whether or not the federal courts have jurisdiction in this matter.

I say Anna Nicole deserves half of the estate. Unless she signed a prenup that specifically excluded her from the estate, which is a fact not in evidence, by virtue of marriage she deserves a significant portion of Marshall's money. Marshall knew that when he married her.

Is Anna a gold-digging opportunist? Hell yeah. She married that old codger because he had big money and he knew that was exactly what she saw in him. He was a shriveled up old man who was on death's door and he got to live out a dream by marrying a woman who was the hottest sexpot on the planet at that time. That last year might have been the best year of his life.

Was he of sound mind? Sure he was. Marshall's move was calculated. For his entire adult life he sacrificed everything to make money. He worked long hours, greased political wheels and supported his family. When he took that last look back over his life he realized that he couldn't take anything with him and all of that wealth was going to end up in the money grubbing clutches of his son who didn't do anything except hit daddy up for money. Why not go out with a bang?

The only sad part of this story is that society expects Anna Nicole to pretend that she loved the old bastard. That was never part of the arrangement. Marshall wanted his own private stripper on hand for his few remaining years and Anna Nicole was happy to oblige. The poor girl worked her way up through seedy Texas strip clubs. How hard would it be to give some rich old coot a lap dance once a week?

What I'm saying is that the exploitation was mutual. Texas courts lashed out at Anna Nicole because they chose to see her as a ruthless woman using sex to con a confused old man out of his money. It's easy to project the image of your senile grandfather on to Marshall, but what if Marshall wasn't senile? What if he was just horny? What if your grandfather just wanted a little action before he died?

Is sex with Anna Nicole worth 500 million? Probably not, but Marshall got more than sex, he also landed himself a trophy that he could lord over the rest of the world. Look at this, everybody! It's all mine. Anna Nicole Smith was more than just a sexy stripper, she was an A-list celebrity. She could have had any guy she wanted and she wanted J. Howard Marshall. He knew his money had a lot to do with it, but by the time he turned 89 was there really a distinction? More than anything Anna Nicole Smith was Marshall's way of letting the world know that he won the game. He traded in his wealth for that vicarious vitality Anna Nicole provided. He died a happy man. Good for him.

And good for her. You don't have to respect her. You don't have to like her. Anna Nicole made a name for herself with a great body and not much else. She's not going to cure cancer and she isn't going to write a classic novel. Anna Nicole has tried her hand at acting and come away looking a bit foolish. But that doesn't mean she's stupid. There are plenty of sexy women out there who never rise above shaking their breasts at a the local strip club and the handful of people who stumble into their 15 minutes of fame typically fail to capitalize. Anna Nicole didn't miss any opportunities. She used her body to become famous and used her fame to attract the attention of a man who could set her up for life. How stupid is that?

Pierce Howard is upset because Anna Nicole Smith came between him and his daddy's money. Pierce was counting on that windfall. He had his sights set on that estate from the time he could count. Imagine his frustration when his dad took a shine to Anna Nicole Smith. Imagine his outrage when she reciprocated. Pierce needs to back off. If his father wasn't of sound mind he could have stopped the wedding. He could have acquired durable power of attorney over his father's estate and kept Anna Nicole out of the picture. But he couldn't do that. His dad was just fine. Old, but otherwise fine. J. Howard Marshall simply decided that he had done right by his family and was going to use the power of his estate to do right by himself. One last piece of candy before bed. Nothing wrong with that.

These things happen all the time. Old men marry young women who subsequently lay claim to the estate. The reason people have a problem with Anna Nicole is because she made a name for herself selling sex. It's obvious that she's not a brilliant conversationalist and that makes the reason Marshall married her even more obvious. The glaring truth in this case is what upsets people. Society prefers a these matters to be subtle. There's nothing subtle about Anna Nicole. She's big, busty and loud. We know that she didn't win J. Howard Marshall's heart, she stirred his loins and for that he was willing to trade his wealth.

What people don't realize is that Anna Nicole traded more than temporary use of her body for all of that money. She became a bit of a pariah when she married Marshall and her career fell flat. Sure, that collapse was inevitable, but the marriage expedited things. People started to hate her after she married that old man.

Now she's a punch line. We mock her because she's always drunk or high or both. We laugh because we assume she's playing along, but the reality is that this experience has hurt her. She wasn't well equipped to handle the pressure of being famous when everybody loved her, now everybody loves to hate her. Sadly, that probably wasn't something she bargained for when she married Marshall.

Anna Nicole married Marshall because she realized that her time in the spotlight was coming to an end. She didn't have enough substance to maintain a meaningful career and the infatuation with her body would eventually subside and she would be replaced with the next hard body to stun the Playboy Audience. When Marshall made himself available, she did the math and figured it was the best investment she could make. Chances are pretty good that Marshall himself spelled that reality out for her. Neither of them realized how quickly the public would turn on her.

Call her what you will, but give the girl her money. She earned it. J. Howard Marshall wanted her to have it. It was a business proposition. He bought her life with his massive fortune. Who are we to judge?

Last night I spent the evening....

I feel dirty. Last night I found myself glued to the television oogling young girls in revealing outfits doing their level best to gain approval from unscrupulous judges and an adoring audience. These girls pushed themselves to the limits of their abilities while I sat there like some dirty old man feeling them up with my eyes.

Sadly, the event I watched was American Idol. Fox was brash in opting to run American Idol against the Olympics, especially with figure skating on the playlist but they took the gamble and it worked. Traditionally the other networks will impose a hiatus on their new shows and run movies or reruns opposite the games. Fox broke form and challenged the Olympics by running its powerhouse Idol against NBC's extensive coverage in a high stakes game of ratings chicken.

The bread and butter for the Olympics is women's figure skating. It's been a ratings machine over the years thanks in large part to the fact that it is artistic enough to appeal to women and men love the skin factor. Oh, we're supposed to put up a fight and the NBA always gives us a chip we can play, but in our perverted little hearts we love the Olympics because it's soft core porn. While our wives and girlfriends marvel at the athletic and artistic ability of the skaters, we men are waiting for the spins that will send that tiny little skirt into the air and give us a peek at rock hard butt cheeks. Sick isn't it? Not nearly as sick as the photo spreads in FHM, Gear and Maxim will be in the coming months. And you can bet somebody (Tanith Belbin) (Please) will accept a two million dollar pay day from Playboy to bare all to the world.

But this time around I watched American Idol, a show I really don't like. I think the talent is often overrated and the selection process doesn't help ensure that the best singer reaches the finals. It's a popularity contests where prepubescent girls have the greatest influence over the final outcome. Making the show even more annoying is Paula Abdul who seems to think that everybody has talent. This might be because she has none and enjoyed musical success anyway. You go, Laker Girl.

Randy Jackson is almost as annoying. If he stood up during every song and flailed his arms around like some drunk groupie at a Poison concert the way Paula does he would be her equal, but Randy's crime is his failure to find a thesaurus. Everybody's a dude and Yo, dog, I just wasn't feelin it. That is, of course, unless that was hype, dog. And that whole dog pound thing? Two words: Played Out. That whole thing was tired after the third airing of the Arsenio Hall show. Got to go. By the way, has anybody else noticed that Randy looks like a frog? Kermit's brother from another mother. It's Diggem! Ribbit.

The only redeeming aspect of the show is Simon who will tell it like it is. He gets slammed for being mean, but he's always speaking the truth and that industry is brutal. If the contestants can't handle Simon's barbs they'll be slitting their wrists after a Broadway audition. Yes, it does matter if you're fat, ugly and don't know how to dress. Why do you think Roseanne's singing career went down the tubes? Why do you think pop tarts like Britney Spears and her predecessor Paula Abdul had careers? T and A, baby.

But this isn't about AI. What happened to the Olympic Games? How can an overblown Star Search retread go head to head with the Olympics and win? Why was I sitting there listening to the American Idol contestants read their carefully edited biographies while the Olympics were taking place on NBC?

That answer was revealed when I switched to NBC after the American Idol segment mercifully ended. I tuned into the middle of the women's figure skating telecast and suffered through the boring classical music and hum drum routines. The reason we don't care about the Olympics is because we have seen them before. Sure, Peggy Flemming couldn't land a triple flip, but aside from an extra rotation in the jumps, things haven't progressed in the presentation of the show for 30 years. Same old stodgy crap. To quote Homer Simpson: BORING!

There's too much focus on artistic impression and the skaters are confined to restrictive programs that don't allow the better athletes an opportunity to really shine. In exhibitions skaters are landing backflips and performing to high energy music that gets the crowd excited but in the scored events the judges insist on traditional routines and we are subjected to a series of uninspired performances that all bleed into one. There's no wow factor. The winner is usually the person who makes the fewest mistakes. If you turn the skaters loose and reward them for pushing the envelop the way they do in the halfpipe fans might be inclined to watch. They make the same mistake in gymnastics during the summer games. Rock and Roll has been a part of international culture for over 50 years but it's still forbidden in the Olympics. Why? To most of the participants Rock is the only form of music.

If these judges would listen to Rock they might have been able to take Bob Dylan's sage advice: The Times They are a Changing. We have 40 year-old white people listening to rap. How can you expect the audience to be turned on by skating performances being performed to stale orchestral music that was written 80 years ago? Hey, Chopin was a great composer and I'm sure he influenced countless musicians through the years, but I'll take your word for it. I'd rather see these skaters and ice dancers working out their routines to Black Eyed Peas or Kanye West. You know, I'd settle for Tom Tom Club if we have to compromise, but if I hear one more "aria" I'm going puke. This music was selected from the movie "The English Patient"...BLUGH!

And we have a winner in the pity party finals. This just in: Irina Slutskaya, the Russian skater, has a deathly ill mother and she is suffering her own chronic illness. Combine that with the fact that she's from Russia, which is always a sob story in itself, and you can warm the cockles of the hardest hearts. Dick Cheney doesn't count because we have already established he has no heart. You simply can't beat a top notch skater with vasculitis and a mother in need of a new kidney. Cue the violins, get a camera crew to Moscow. We need footage people! More misery! Why is that woman smiling? Where's the anguish? THE ANGUISH!

The American team had better come up with something fast, or the Russians will win it all. This is why Michelle Kwan pulled out. Strained groin my ass! Women don't even have groins, everybody knows that. Michelle found out the Irina has a chronic illness and knew that it would be impossible to beat her. That, and the fact the Michelle Kwan can't handle Olympic pressure.

But all is not lost. The Americans have a shot if they can capitalize on the fact that two of the women competing on our behalf are deformed. Look closely. Emily Hughes and Sasha Cohen have no chins. And Emily Hughes doesn't have lips! If Team USA wants a shot at Gold they'll have to play this angle to the hilt. Maybe somebody should kidnap Sasha's mom or inject Emily's sister Sarah with the dreaded bird flu virus. Something needs to be done to offset the dramatic edge Slutskaya has over the US team.

As for the ratings, NBC is screwed. They paid big money for long term broadcasting rights to the Olympics and Fox has proven that people will watch something else. Part of the problem is NBC's focus on melodrama, but some of the blame falls on the International Olympic committee for failing to develop games that are compelling to watch. Snowboard cross was a hit, but Alpine Skiing and Figure Skating are losing ground. Curling attracts a better audience than hockey and nobody watches Luge or Bobsled because there isn't enough potential for disaster. Every year people tune in hoping to see a sled fly out of the tube and crash into the stands, but it never happens. If the Jamaican team couldn't accomplish that in 1988 it's not going to happen.

NBC and the Olympic Committee have invested time and money into hyping certain athletes in hopes of drawing an audience. The problem is they lie about how good these athletes are. Bode Miller was marketed as a threat to win five gold medals, but nobody told us that Bode Miller is not internationally recognized as a top five skier. He could have won medals if the Austrian team got lost on the way to Turin. NBC pinned it's hopes on Michelle Kwan, even managing to manipulate the selection process to giver her an exemption in qualifying for the games, but Michelle decided she was not up to the task and she pulled out.

In previous Olympics NBC and the USOC hitched their wagons to charismatic stars who failed to deliver. Anybody remember Dan O'Brien? He was supposed to win the decathlon and failed miserably. And how about the 2004 Men's basketball team? Nice job there, eh? Fans get tired of the promises of things to come and we stop watching. Instead of marketing the American athletes so aggressively, why not market some of the foreign athletes as well? Leading into the games we heard about Apolo Anton Ohno and his short track hopes, but the real story was the Korean team. Why not promote the Korean team and market Ohno as an underdog? It's a little more interesting and a lot more accurate.

It should be very interesting to see how NBC responds to poor ratings. Heads should roll over this and there could be some pretty heated skirmishes between the International Olympic Committee and the executives at NBC. The IOC doesn't have much of a leg to stand on since they aren't attracting much international interest either. There are plenty of empty seats at every event and the city of Turin hasn't been overwhelmed with the revenue these games are generating. Couple that with the fact that NBC decided to change the name of their city from Turin to Torino and it's a bust all the way around.

Here lies Harry the shark, shot by a Dick and nobody narked.

It's terrible that so many people are having such fun with something as serious as an accidental shooting. Where's the humanity? A man was shot in the face and suffered severe complications but does that prevent the witless pundits from taking shots? No. All's fair in the game of ratings and readership.

Ok, I can't keep a straight face. This is funny. Yes, it is. Don't give me this crap about a 78-year-old man spending a week in the ICU, he had it coming. Oh yes he did. Hanging around with Dick Cheney is dangerous enough, but hanging around Dick Cheney when Dick Cheney is armed is just asking for trouble. In case you've missed the last six years, our Vice President really lives up to his first name. If he's not hurling expletives at dissenting congressmen he's setting kittens on fire, punching Walmart greeters, or shooting neighborhood children with a pellet gun. We're talking about a guy who voted down Martin Luther King Day and voted no to a congressional resolution demanding the release of Nelson Mandela while passing legislation that allows companies to dump increased levels of toxins into water supplies. The reason the "D" is capitalized has nothing to do with proper nouns, Mr. Cheney is a penis with legs.

Dick Cheney flosses his teeth with electric eels and sleeps on broken glass. His medical history doesn't tell the tale of chronic heart trouble, it reveals that Dick Cheney has no heart. He is the manifestation of pure unadulterated evil and as if being loathsome wasn't enough, Cheney speaks out of the side of his mouth in a grotesque snarl that George Lucas couldn't bring himself to use when he created Chancellor Palpatine, because Lucas didn't want the evil emperor to be over-the-top. Dick Cheney had to pursue a career in politics because he makes children cry when he looks at them. He never smiles but rather simpers when bad things happen to good people. That's why our country has been embroiled in military conflict for the better part of six years. Dick likes it when people die.

There is no question in my mind that Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington on purpose. All these years he's been sending people out to do the killing and he wanted a taste. He wanted to feel that trigger actuate when he had another human being in his sites. I know that's going out on a limb because it's impossible to prove, but I know he did it. Just like I know Michael Jackson molested those kids and John Goodman accidentally ate the first Becky on the set of Roseanne. Did you notice how much weight he gained during that series? It was almost like he packed on 100 pounds overnight wasn't it? Enter Sarah Chalke. Thank God D.J. didn't get to close to the craft services table.

The secrecy surrounding this shooting has everybody speculating as to what really happened. Some believe the delay in reporting the incident occurred because Cheney is having an affair with Pamela Willeford, who was one of the members of the hunting party but this doesn't make much sense. First of all, who would want to have an affair with Cheney? He's hideous. Maybe Cheney was blackmailing her for sexual favors but there's no way any woman in her right mind would willingly sleep with Dick Cheney. Insiders have reported that Cheney reeks of rotten potatoes, wet socks and Wild Turkey. Apparently the Skynyrd anthem "Ooh, that smell" was written after the band met with Dick Cheney before a live show back in 1970 when Cheney was dodging the draft.

It's quite clear that the reason Cheney didn't report the incident to authorities is because he was liquored up. This isn't surprising as it is customary to drink to excess before undertaking any recreational activity in Texas(I was once pulled over outside of Dallas for NOT having an open container), but since Whittington is a native Texan and Cheney is originally from Nebraska, Cheney would have been required to pay a $25 fine and revoke his hunting license for two weeks had alcohol been a factor in the shooting. Cheney didn't shoot exceptionally well, which is typical of somebody who always sends other off to do his dirty work, Whittington made a smug remark and Cheney popped a cap in his face. Probably went ghetto on him too. Who's the bad shot now, Harry?

Whittington's not going to fess up because Cheney can make one phone call and have everybody in Whittington's family detained in a secret prison somewhere in Europe. Cheney's probably taken that step already just to be on the safe side. In fact, that might be how the Bush Administration maintains its support a little proactive imprisonment keeps the wheels greased. If somebody balks at a Bush resolution, they get a loved one's pinky toe in the mail or the Bush administration sics a hurricane on their hometown. Cheney's idea.

Cheney and other members of the Bush administration have been to the Armstrong ranch before. In fact, the whole plan for invading Iraq was devised after a hunting trip to this ranch when one Bush staffer noted that it's a lot easier to hunt quail when you can wait for them to be released by the hundreds as opposed to having to flush them out one or two at a time. After struggling to track down real terrorists in Afghanistan, Bush and Cheney applied the logic learned at the Armstrong ranch to the war on terror and decided to pick a fight with Iraq. Unfortunately, they didn't factor in how much easier it is to shoot quail since the fat farm raised birds don't exactly put up much of a fight. For some reason, the terrorists being released from the Iraqi covey seem inclined to engage their hunters. It's pretty messy. And expensive.

We'll never get the whole story out of Cheney, but should we be surprised? This has been our administration for six years and they haven't been honest about anything from day one. 9-11? Can't talk about it. Mission Accomplished? Yes, of course it was. Gitmo? Classified. Weapons of Mass Destruction? Ha Ha. Wiretapping? Why are you worried?

It seems as though Whittington got off easy. Cheney only shot him in the face, the rest of us have been getting gang raped by the Bush administration every day for six years.