Thursday, January 18, 2007

Out there and loving every minute of it.

A growing trend in Hollywood is the public outing of gay celebrities. Apparently the idiot public is supposed to be stunned when it's revealed that somebody like Lance Bass is gay. Like we didn't see that coming.

When you consider the lifestyle that a celebrity has to live it's actually a wonder that more aren't gay. Not too many straight men are willing to sit in a chair and get worked over by a hair and makeup team every day. Maintaining celebrity status is such a critical part of staying on top of the business that most stars have to treat every waking minute like a photo opportunity which means all stars, even the macho ones, have to primp and preen at all times. Even if a guy goes into the business straight it's got to be impossible to stay that way. One bad shot of a studly star covered in powdered cheese dust and a career is in the tank.

The only straight guys who have a chance are the character actors who are expected to be a little homely but the artsy nature of the business tends to attract the theatrical personality only repressed homesexuality can hone.

Sure there are straight Hollywood couples but how long do they last? A typical Hollywood marriage last about as long as a typical fling in the real world. Marriage is not so much a binding agreement as it is a press release. Hollywood couples seem to get married in order to capitalize on public interests. Timing is everything. Marriages are quickly finalized at the exact moment interest in that couple trends downward, then they get to ride the marriage spike.

Children aren't even a sign of heterosexuality. Kids are easy money. Brad Pitt and Angelina sold first dibs on baby pictures for more money than David Schwimmer has seen since he walked off the set of Friends for the last time. Tom Cruise, who has emphatically declared his heterosexuality by marrying a mime, held out for quite some time with his baby pics before accepting the fact that his baby, who is butt ugly, wasn't worth as much as Brad's.

Homosexuality is so natural in Hollywood it almost seems as though these dramatic public outings are designed to catapult B-list stars back on to the A-list. Think about Lance Bass. Aside from a handful of 300 pound virgins who dreamed that Lance would romantically deflower them who really thought he was straight. The shocker is that Justin Timberlake hasn't been outed yet. Lance was a distant memory just before he was outed in a gossip blog and for about three days the story had him in the news. He parlayed his trauma into a couple of interviews, posed for some pictures and milked his popularity just long enough to make his break up with his lover a public matter. Now he's back to being a has been.

The men are just following a trend the women milked 10 years ago. After wearing out lesbianism women moved on to parental abuse, psychological trauma and now woman have come back around to eating disorders. Everybody wants to be the next Karen Carpenter. You can bet that 10 years from this very day Ethan Suplee will weigh in at a gaunt 100 pounds.