Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Lying: It's What we do best.

Andy Pettite, in case you don’t know, is a professional baseball player who happens to be BFFs with Roger Clemens. Both were named in the dreaded Mitchell Report as performance enhancing drug users. Clemens initially bit his tongue while he waited for his attorneys to craft a defense while Pettite confessed that he did use Human Growth Hormone to recover from an injury. Clemens has proven himself to be one of the biggest assholes on the face of the earth as he clumsily points the finger at everybody but himself.

Both of them are lying. Pettite doesn’t think he’s a cheater and he even tossed the GOD card out during a press conference. Somehow GOD told him that it was OK to take HGH, apparently as long as he didn’t try to throw a perfect game or break any records because then it would count as cheating. It’s nice to see that GOD has the time to advise Andy Pettite but can’t seem to clear his schedule off for issues like poverty, famine and the Bush Administration. Nice work up there, big guy. Pettite apparently doesn't know that every great lie starts with those three little letters: G-O-D. When people pray on someting it means they conspired. If somebody claims that they're at peace with Jesus it's because they know the rest of the world is going to see them for the deceitful frauds that they are. Sure, use Jesus as a character witness, it's not like he'll refute it.

Pettite even testified that Clemens told him that he used HGH too. Now Clemens is calling his lover..I mean butt buddy…everything just short of a liar. Andy don’t hear so good, and he miss-remembers things. My mom told me to take b-12 shots. My wife takes HGH. Sure Rocket, we believe you.

This is just the latest in a long line of losing arguments. Why do people try to save face when the shit has hit the fan and splattered everything thing they own? You made the bed, go ahead and lay in it.

I think about Roger Clemens stumbling over his words and deflecting blame like Wonder Woman bouncing bullets off of her bracelets and wonder why he didn’t throw the high heat. Just admit that you took steroids. Take this imaginary transcript:

Shameless Congressional Bully: Did you take performance enhancing drugs. Mr. Clemens? And I remind you that you are under oath.

Roger Clemens’ big fat face: Yep.

Flat-chested Congressional Harpy: I’m sorry, can you repeat that?

Fat Face: Yes. I took performance enhancing drugs.

Bald, rat-like Congressional troll: Why did you take them?

Clemens: To play better, stupid.

Aside from a lot of gaveling and other elected officials rephrasing questions to get more face time on ESPN rather than CSPAN, the whole ordeal would have ended right there. Other than a lot of stupid posturing there’s nothing more to say. Roger Clemens doesn’t care if some 15 year-old in Pottsville takes steroids and he shouldn’t. As long as the league was looking the other way and the criminal justice system put steroids somewhere below counterfeit Groucho Glasses on the list of enforcement priorities Clemens did what any other aging athlete would do. That doesn’t make him a hero but being honest about it would have.

Brutal honesty is the best policy. I love Mel Gibson as an actor but I was really disappointed with his response to the whole anti-Semitic rant ordeal. Rather than meeting with Rabbinical leaders and asking for forgiveness Mel should have just admitted that he doesn’t like Jews:

By now you’ve all heard about my drunken rant in the back of a cop car. Let me just state for the record that those Malibu cops are just a bunch of glorified meter maids who don’t protect anything other than a front row seat at Krispy Kreme.

I’d also like to say that I don’t like Jews. I believe that Jews killed Jesus and I’m harboring a grudge on that one. It’s not personal, it’s theology. Hitler was way out of line with the Holocaust but I kind of get where he was coming from. Sorry if that offends you, that’s just how I feel.

That’s harsh stuff and I don’t agree with the sentiment but I’d have to give the guy props for being honest. It’s more refreshing than running to the nearest rehab clinic to hide behind substance abuse.

Bill Clinton dodged a qualified bullet when he said he didn’t inhale. What he should have said is that he ate it in a brownie instead. And that line about not liking it? Please. Everybody likes it. Bill should have said:

Dude, I play the Sax….of course I use marijuana. I only went into politics because I got tired of smoking shake and scraping resin out of my bong. I’m gonna be smoking that endo, baby. All the way to the White Hizzie.

If he had been honest about his love affair with ganja he could have easily altered his testimony when asked about his affair with Monica Lewinsky:

I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky but I was so stoned I could have been raped by Rush Limbaugh and I wouldn’t have noticed.

And speaking of Rush, I would have been forced to give him credit if he would have had the nerve to face his drug scandal with a little candor:

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s true that I, Rush Limbaugh, am hooked on narcotics. I like to get low. I know I’m on record as stating that drug addicts should be locked up in prison and I still believe that. I also believe that an exception should be made in the case of all rich white men. I didn’t think I had to clarify that being a Republican but there it is. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to have my illegal immigrant housekeeper score me an ounce of Afghan Gold and I’m going to melt away in the corner.

Imagine how refreshing it would be. George W. Bush could admit that Dick Cheney’s calling all the shots, except for the one that hit Harry Whittington in the face of course and Dick Cheney could admit that they stopped thinking about 9-11 on 9-13. Where do you go from there? There’s no story when the truth comes out.

What would we do if OJ Simpson came out and admitted that he did kill Nicole and Ron, then stuck out his tongue and said nyah, nyah? Yeah, I killed the bitch and that little boy toy of hers too. So kiss my black ass. Hard core? Yes, but how do you deal with it? We can’t do anything about it and the closure of him finally putting any speculation to rest would allow OJ and the whole stupid saga to fade into sweet anonymity. Nobody really cares that he’s free...nobody outside of the Brown and Goldman families cares about the victims. The only reason this case is still an issue is because of OJ, but if he fesses up we’ve got nothing to fret over.

Of course it’s never going to happen. We’re born to lie. We learn at a very early age that honesty is only the best policy when somebody else is to blame. Think about it, do you remember that first time your mom coaxed the truth out of you by promising she wouldn’t be mad? That was the last time wasn’t it?

Friday, February 08, 2008

Republicans trim roster, but what game will they play?

Mitt Romney closed out his presidential campaign stating that he needs to step aside so the Democrats don’t win. What really happened is that the big cronies in the GOP camp promised him a spot on the ticket. He had a great run but there’s only room for one religious crackpot in the presidential race and the people have spoken. They’d rather have a freak who actually believes the world is 6,000 years old in the White House than a Mormon.

It figures. After all, Mormonism is just a much older version of scientology. The religions were created in very much the same way. We know that Scientology was invented by a mediocre-at-best science fiction writer who concocted a bogus religion in the midst of a year-long bender. Amidst a haze of drugs, alcohol and unsavory women, L. Ron Hubbard drafted Dianetics. What started off as a joke between friends morphed into a very serious cult that has attracted people rich and powerful enough to put the kibosh on public mockery.

Mormons didn’t have Tom Cruise and John Travolta on their side way back when Joseph Smith claimed to have translated religious texts from ancient golden plates back in the early 1800s so the handful of people who read the Book of Mormon and actually believed it wandered westward until they ended up in the middle of Utah next to a big salty lake that smelled like sulfur. Now, most people in their right minds wouldn’t think of taking up residence down wind of what can only be described as a cesspool but we are talking about people who gave up everything to follow a religion some washed up hack of a writer created. Nobody in that wagon train was in his right mind. And if you ever visit Salt Lake City you might be inclined to agree that they still aren’t .

Of course, in defense of Mormons and Scientologists, is Christianity really that much different? Look at the brand of religion Mike Huckabee practices. This guy will look you straight in the eye and tell you that God created the world in seven days and it all took place about 6000 years ago. Archeological evidence that provides proof to the contrary is nothing but tricks buried in the ground by the devil. That’s why Huckabee won’t win the nomination. Most conservatives like a man who talks a good god but they don’t want somebody who actually believes that crap. McCain and Romney are a match made in heaven.

Of course Romney might want to stop pointing the moral finger at Democrats. We’ve had 8 years of Republican dominated leadership and I’m not sure the country is ready for more of that brand of morality. Is gay marriage still an issue? I find it hard to believe that gay marriage made Larry Craig feel the need to solicit a love connection in an airport men’s room. Ted Haggard didn’t smoke a blend of crystal meth and man meat because Ohio State University chose to extended healthcare benefits to homosexual partners. The ACLU didn’t force anybody to have sexual relations with congressional pages.

Romney’s preaching from a pulpit of moral piety but he’s standing and thin ice. The Republican Party seems to embrace a concept of strict social discretion but they don’t have a concept of personal morality. That’s really the underlying theme in spirituality. The Bible is not intended to be a blueprint of how to run a country but rather how one person should tend to his own affairs. And Republicans have proven that their notion of morality doesn’t work. Conservative leaders frothed at the mouth over Janet Jacksons nipple getting 0.27 seconds of air time during a Super Bowl halftime performance but when Mark Foley got caught dipping his wick in teenaged boys those same leaders conspired to sweep the mess under a rug.

Now one would not be out of line to dismiss the Republican Party as a band of hypocritical pederasts who seek to codify morality into enforceable legislation for the sole purpose of enhancing the sexual tension of their perverted indulgences but let's not go overboard and call them closet homosexuals. It’s wrong to categorize the acts of Mark Foley and Larry Craig as homosexual because the vast majority of homosexuals don’t go to such extremes. That’s more or less a Republican thing. They aren’t gay, they just enjoy kinky sexual encounters with other men, or boys. Sometimes sheep but in Rush Limbaugh’s case he thought that ewe had eaten his bottle of Oxy. Say, didn't he once have some pretty good ideas on how to deal with addicts?

That’s why McCain’s in the lead. In a world full of angry white men who can’t get enough penis McCain might be the one guy with clear vision. Even if he can’t decide what that vision is. Back in October of 2004 the man was practically endorsing John Kerry, then he did a complete 180 and threw his enthusiastic support behind George W. Bush. McCain even met with Jerry Falwell, a man he once called a divisive zealot, and kissed his wrinkled butt to pander to the wild-eyed, snake-handling Christians Karl Rove coaxed to the polls. It threw them off because the fundamentalists weren’t used to going to church on Tuesday...that’s wife beating day...but it worked and they kept things close enough for the rigged ballots in Florida and Ohio to do their thing.

McCain learned a lesson but maybe it came too late. He used to be a bulldog who grabbed hold of the important issues and wouldn’t let go until his party dealt with them. The guy had balls. Now they’re gone. And in a party so infatuated with male genitalia it really doesn’t come as a surprise.