Friday, May 08, 2009

Hey, Joe


I probably shouldn’t waste my time on Joe Wuzzlebucker, or Joe The (unlicensed) Plumber, but he hails from Ohio and as a native I feel the need to offer some sort of counterpoint. It’s my duty to make sure that, while most of the state is full of idiots just like Weasleblubber, there are actually a handful of thoughtful people who live here. We don’t necessarily like it, but we do the best we can.

Whipplebeater rose to fame when he confronted Barack Obama on his economic policies. He lamented that fact that Obama’s tax plan would discourage him from buying the company he worked for even though that company was so small that it was eligible for tax cuts under Obama’s plan. It was later revealed that Whatsabooger had never discussed any purchase arrangement with the owner of the company and of course we learned that Joe wasn’t really a plumber at all, but rather an unlicensed tech known for unclogging toilets with his bare hands. Sometimes, according to a number of his customers, he even ate poop. Disgusting.

Wumpleborshter became an instant celebrity and at first pretended not to like it. He was a regular guy who never asked for the attention. A regular guy who didn’t pay his taxes, worked illegally as an unlicensed professional, had pre-existing ties to John McCain, and who hired a publicity firm so he could distance himself as far from being a regular guy as possible. A regular guy who enjoys kimchee enemas, gay anime porn, purple nurples, and weekly spankings from Jamie Farr.

Whackyburger actually doing quite well as a media whore. He’s pretended to be a journalist and an author. He’s a keen political analyst offering such brilliant insights as “a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel” and “one step closer to socialism” even though he has no idea what socialism is (the only Marx he knows is Groucho) and he couldn’t point to Israel on a map.

Recently, Whosabubba gave us his insight of homosexuality. It would appear that Joe The Relentless Hack is now an expert on social issues. He thinks that homosexuals are queer and to justify this stance he looked it up in the dictionary. Queer, he says, means strange or unusual different and homosexuals are strange. “It’s not like a slur,” he told Christian Today (formerly Voice of the KKK) magazine, “like you would call a white person a honky or something like that." Then he explains that God is clear about what men and women are for. So apparently it’s also Joe The Evangelical Minister now as well. Stupid ass honky.

The problem, of course, is that regardless of what version of God you believe in, there is no clarity on the subject of homosexuality. The bible has passages that seem to condemn it but then there are other passages that seem to accept it. The confusion exists because it’s not spelled out in simple terms. Christians seem pretty sure that homosexuality is a sin but God didn’t seem to think it was worth wasting a commandment on and Jesus didn’t make it his mission to put an end to guy on guy action.

Regardless of what conservatives try to tell you, homosexuality just wasn’t a priority. Unless the whole “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass” line was supposed to be interpreted as a prohibition on guy–on-guy action. Unless it’s with a Congressional page, your meth dealer or a stranger in the men’s room. The reason it’s such a big deal now is because all those bible-thumping Christians are terrified that one day one of their children might come home for college with a close friend of the same gender and tell them that they’re gay and opening a community theater in Portland together. Oh the horror!

But Weinerbelcher, like most so-called Christians, hasn’t read the bible. It’s quite possible that he doesn’t know how to read at all because if he could read, he probably wouldn’t have missed the city regulation that mandated the need for a plumbing license. Of course, the guy’s not all bad. He was quick to mention that he has gay friends and that they all understand where he stands. Apparently they take no offense that Joe The Homophobe doesn’t want them around his kids.

Of course that’s probably not an issue he needs to address. Gays tend to have an aversion to inbred twits and their rotten children. It’s unlikely that Joe The Blithering Idiot knows any openly gay people and if he does it’s doubtful that they consider him a friend, but if he’s worried about his kids he should rethink his association with the Republican Party and all those back room boy toys in its midst.

The guy is an assclown but because the people who run conservative media outlets are elitist snobs who think that working class people are just as moronic as Weeblebater, they keep giving him a forum to speak his mind and that’s too bad.

Look, I’m not delusional. I know a lot of working class people right here in Ohio and they aren’t exactly geniuses. Ohio is probably home to more than its fair share of stupid people, but that doesn’t mean we should take the biggest unwashed rube from the huddled masses and make a star out of him. There are real plumbers with real opinions and better means of expressing them. Why not give them 15 minutes of fame?