Tuesday, November 18, 2008

God's Work

I don't know exactly what was supposed to happen in THE YEAR 2000...The Rapture...Armageddon...The Apocalypse...The Second Coming...The End of Days...my computer turning into a butter churn...whatever. All I know is that it didn't happen. I used to think that this is because there is no god. It's a pretty outlandish thought for most people to accept but for years I kept hearing people talk about God and Jesus and all of the things that they do but I never saw any evidence of it. Just talk. I lied to my mother all the time and, in spite of her threats to the contrary, he never struck me down. I've placed my hand over a bible and failed to tell the whole truth, with no consequences or repercussions. I've seen people do terrible things and never get taken to task. So I concluded that God was a myth.

Still, in 1999 I wondered if something big was going to happen and, given how annoying I find most Christians to be, I was hoping it would be The Rapture. For years I've listened to Christians talk about this event where they all get sucked up into heaven and the rest of us are left to wallow around in misery. The thing they never seem to realize is that 99% of the misery we deal with every day is caused by Christians who believe they'll be Raptured someday. So to me that was a win/win situation. Yeah, heaven sounds like a great place but I don't think I'll like the people. It's kind of like Boca Raton.

Over the last several years I'm not so sure that this lack of action is a sign that there is no god, but rather a clear indication that god has lost interest in the project. And why wouldn't he? Let's assume that Christians are right and God sent his son, Jesus, down here to get things squared away...it seems like that message has been lost in translation, has it not? Look at all the denominations that fall under the mantle of Christianity. They share similar attributes but the devil is in the details and details are where these denominations bitterly disagree. There's a lot of competition in the Christian market, and by market I mean money.

There's also politics. Religious groups regularly get involved in politics by passing laws that have no effect on them. Rather than mind their own business they hijack the legal process to impose ambiguous ordinances that infringe on civil rights. Recently the Mormon Church poked its polygamist nose in to California's Constitution by managing to pass the infamous Proposition 8, an amendment to the state's constitution that will render homosexual marriages illegal and invalid.

The Stormin' Mormons invested heavily into propaganda that characterized schools as teaching homosexuality even though there is nothing in the curriculum that does any such thing. These so-called Christians even went so far as to argue that homosexual marriages would soon pave the way for perverts of every ilk to marry the objects of their affections be they man or beast or members of NAMBLA.

I know what you're thinking: Aren't these Mormons those freaks who live in Utah and marry their underage cousins? The answer is yes, but various rules and regulations both at the federal and state levels prohibit polygamy and set an age of consent. So Mormons, angry that they can no longer marry dozens of 12 year-old girls in one ceremony, have opted to get even with their oppressors by going after gays. It doesn't seem logical, does it?

Well it is. You see, legal or not Mormons still practice polygamy. They claim they don't but they do. They do it quietly. Utah is not a very populous state and even though it seems like you can't kick over a chunk of halite without uncovering a Mormon they don't make up the entire population. Because of this 85% of Mormon women are married to 8% of Mormon men. That would be the old men who control the money and the church. Now Mormon women aren't very attractive in the first place (Donny Osmond is the sexiest Mormon woman alive) so the 15% that are left for the remaining 92% of the men are the sort of women that drive men to sheep.

As you can imagine, the paucity of available women forces some of these men to evaluate their sexuality and many of them realize that they're actually suppressing homosexual desires. Then you realize that California is a day's drive away and suddenly you have an exodus. That's something churches can't afford. So that's why the Mormons saw fit to ban gay marriage in California...it's all about the tithes. And the sheep...it's possible that Mormon's actually believe the slippery slope argument and those hairy Mormon women really don't want to have to compete with those barnyard hussies. I mean, there's nothing wrong with a torrid ovine affair
but marriage?

So what's that got to do with Jesus and his failure to make an appearance at THE YEAR 2000? Everything. Like I said, I used to think it was a sign that God didn't exist but when I see religiots doing things like burning good books or banning gay marriage I realize that they really don't get it. Jesus was really more of a "mind your own business" sort of guy. He wasn't shrill. He wasn't desperate. He wasn't judgmental. The only thing that seemed to get Jesus worked up was when the church got involved in money and politics. That was really what he railed against. He didn't point out the faults of others, he encouraged people to seek out the truth within themselves.

That's not what Christianity does today. With a handful of exceptions virtually every Christian denomination strives to wield money and power. Nobody seems to practice what Jesus preached. Do you think he would have taken up a fight against gay marriage? Do you think he'd spread lies to further his agenda? Of course not.

Nope. The reason nothing happened in THE YEAR 2000 is because Jesus took one look at how his legacy has been corrupted and walked away. Sorry, folks, the rapture is over. You completely missed the point and now Heaven is closed. Thanks for playing.