Friday, February 17, 2006

Here lies Harry the shark, shot by a Dick and nobody narked.

It's terrible that so many people are having such fun with something as serious as an accidental shooting. Where's the humanity? A man was shot in the face and suffered severe complications but does that prevent the witless pundits from taking shots? No. All's fair in the game of ratings and readership.

Ok, I can't keep a straight face. This is funny. Yes, it is. Don't give me this crap about a 78-year-old man spending a week in the ICU, he had it coming. Oh yes he did. Hanging around with Dick Cheney is dangerous enough, but hanging around Dick Cheney when Dick Cheney is armed is just asking for trouble. In case you've missed the last six years, our Vice President really lives up to his first name. If he's not hurling expletives at dissenting congressmen he's setting kittens on fire, punching Walmart greeters, or shooting neighborhood children with a pellet gun. We're talking about a guy who voted down Martin Luther King Day and voted no to a congressional resolution demanding the release of Nelson Mandela while passing legislation that allows companies to dump increased levels of toxins into water supplies. The reason the "D" is capitalized has nothing to do with proper nouns, Mr. Cheney is a penis with legs.

Dick Cheney flosses his teeth with electric eels and sleeps on broken glass. His medical history doesn't tell the tale of chronic heart trouble, it reveals that Dick Cheney has no heart. He is the manifestation of pure unadulterated evil and as if being loathsome wasn't enough, Cheney speaks out of the side of his mouth in a grotesque snarl that George Lucas couldn't bring himself to use when he created Chancellor Palpatine, because Lucas didn't want the evil emperor to be over-the-top. Dick Cheney had to pursue a career in politics because he makes children cry when he looks at them. He never smiles but rather simpers when bad things happen to good people. That's why our country has been embroiled in military conflict for the better part of six years. Dick likes it when people die.

There is no question in my mind that Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington on purpose. All these years he's been sending people out to do the killing and he wanted a taste. He wanted to feel that trigger actuate when he had another human being in his sites. I know that's going out on a limb because it's impossible to prove, but I know he did it. Just like I know Michael Jackson molested those kids and John Goodman accidentally ate the first Becky on the set of Roseanne. Did you notice how much weight he gained during that series? It was almost like he packed on 100 pounds overnight wasn't it? Enter Sarah Chalke. Thank God D.J. didn't get to close to the craft services table.

The secrecy surrounding this shooting has everybody speculating as to what really happened. Some believe the delay in reporting the incident occurred because Cheney is having an affair with Pamela Willeford, who was one of the members of the hunting party but this doesn't make much sense. First of all, who would want to have an affair with Cheney? He's hideous. Maybe Cheney was blackmailing her for sexual favors but there's no way any woman in her right mind would willingly sleep with Dick Cheney. Insiders have reported that Cheney reeks of rotten potatoes, wet socks and Wild Turkey. Apparently the Skynyrd anthem "Ooh, that smell" was written after the band met with Dick Cheney before a live show back in 1970 when Cheney was dodging the draft.

It's quite clear that the reason Cheney didn't report the incident to authorities is because he was liquored up. This isn't surprising as it is customary to drink to excess before undertaking any recreational activity in Texas(I was once pulled over outside of Dallas for NOT having an open container), but since Whittington is a native Texan and Cheney is originally from Nebraska, Cheney would have been required to pay a $25 fine and revoke his hunting license for two weeks had alcohol been a factor in the shooting. Cheney didn't shoot exceptionally well, which is typical of somebody who always sends other off to do his dirty work, Whittington made a smug remark and Cheney popped a cap in his face. Probably went ghetto on him too. Who's the bad shot now, Harry?

Whittington's not going to fess up because Cheney can make one phone call and have everybody in Whittington's family detained in a secret prison somewhere in Europe. Cheney's probably taken that step already just to be on the safe side. In fact, that might be how the Bush Administration maintains its support a little proactive imprisonment keeps the wheels greased. If somebody balks at a Bush resolution, they get a loved one's pinky toe in the mail or the Bush administration sics a hurricane on their hometown. Cheney's idea.

Cheney and other members of the Bush administration have been to the Armstrong ranch before. In fact, the whole plan for invading Iraq was devised after a hunting trip to this ranch when one Bush staffer noted that it's a lot easier to hunt quail when you can wait for them to be released by the hundreds as opposed to having to flush them out one or two at a time. After struggling to track down real terrorists in Afghanistan, Bush and Cheney applied the logic learned at the Armstrong ranch to the war on terror and decided to pick a fight with Iraq. Unfortunately, they didn't factor in how much easier it is to shoot quail since the fat farm raised birds don't exactly put up much of a fight. For some reason, the terrorists being released from the Iraqi covey seem inclined to engage their hunters. It's pretty messy. And expensive.

We'll never get the whole story out of Cheney, but should we be surprised? This has been our administration for six years and they haven't been honest about anything from day one. 9-11? Can't talk about it. Mission Accomplished? Yes, of course it was. Gitmo? Classified. Weapons of Mass Destruction? Ha Ha. Wiretapping? Why are you worried?

It seems as though Whittington got off easy. Cheney only shot him in the face, the rest of us have been getting gang raped by the Bush administration every day for six years.

1 comment:

Hollie said...

Amen - Brother Steve!!