My name is Steve Croyle and I'm a liberal.
I never expected it to go this far, but I look in the mirror and I just don't recognize the guy in looking back at me. I guess it started in high school. I befriended a couple of black guys. It wasn't like I was hooked or anything. We only hung out on the weekends and before I knew it I was listening to Public Enemy on headphones in my room, but that's as bad as it got. I mean, I think I might have had a gay friend, but we never did anything together and he didn't tell me he was gay. It's just looking back I think it was obvious. Excuse me, but pegged jeans are so 1985.
Sure, I hugged my share of trees every now and then, but what self-respecting kid doesn't? It's not like I was eating granola! Although I did enjoy the occasional bowl of Grape Nuts. I had a Nature Valley bar once, but I don't think people should be held accountable for youthful indiscretions. Besides, I didn't really like it.
College is where things got out of hand. I got caught up in the "issues". First it was the environment, then it was affirmative action and I even formed an opinion on abortion. That being that I wasn't ready to have a kid or abstain. It was college, girls were putting out and I was 18. Most guys are pro-choice until they get married and then they are only pro-life if their wives get pregnant. Mistresses should always be allowed to choose not to have a child.
Still, it wasn't that bad. Yes, I openly associated with admitted homosexuals and several blacks who were taking full advantage of affirmative action by accepting minority scholarship money, but I still hadn't strayed too far. Everybody experiments, right?
Then I changed my major and took journalism classes. That's where I think things spiraled out of control. We used to close the door to the mass media center and mainline the first amendment until we were giddy. The professors supplied all of the copies of the Constitution we needed and seemed delighted when we got all hopped up on ideals. They pushed their free expression dope on us and we were their junkies. They encouraged us to think for ourselves and question everything, even the government. Even Operation Desert Storm!
I got hooked on liberty and questioned authority at every turn. I didn't want to play the game by somebody else's rules. I was a squeaky wheel, a whistle blower, a square peg. I couldn't even see the writing on the wall when I was fired for challenging an employer's discriminatory HR practices. I was blinded by my own bleeding heart. Letters and essays piled up. I raged against machines I was powerless to stop. I bought organic vegetables. I donated money to Moveon.org and I even considered joining the Green Party. I actually voted for Ralph Nader. Twice! Still, I couldn't see the evil of my ways.
It wasn't until I finally decided to focus on a book that I saw myself for what I was: An America-hating pinko communist. It was the rational writing style of sage columnists such as Ann Coulter and political commentator Bill O'Reilly who enlightened me to the error of my ways. Now I realize the terrible damage I have done to myself, my family and my country by embracing such heinous concepts as civil rights, environmental protection, social services and mutual cultural respect. How sick!
Liberals are destroying America with their sinister compassion and diabolical sensitivity. Issues like women's rights and racial equality have turned this country into a septic pit of moral corruption and hopeless depravity. Tax codes that require the wealthiest people to shoulder a reasonable burden of responsibility for the country's long term success have crushed the American Dream of benevolent monopolies that control prices and ease the minds of consumers by eliminating choice. And unions, that relentlessly empower workers with the ability to consolidate their influence in order to negotiate better pay and benefits, have reduced our workforce to a mindless hoard of gluttonous pigs devouring the resources of our country's major corporations. There are CEO's out there who haven't seen a seven figure Christmas bonus yet... and it's 2006! And for what? Family medical coverage? Liberals passed child labor laws years ago, but the unions still want to cut Jr. in on medical coverage. How American is that? If the family wants medical insurance, the family should earn it.
And they won't stop there. Liberals want this country to find an alternative to fossil fuels which would force Americans to drive zero emissions vehicles and ultimately rob thousands of the rewarding (and safe) careers offered by companies that drill for oil and mine coal. Some liberals even want to legalize industrial hemp which would reduce our consumption of lumber and force manly lumber jacks to trade in their chain saws for pruning shears. Imagine that. A world full of paper made from a plant that only takes a few months to grow. Ridiculous.
And free healthcare! Please. What possible purpose could that serve? If everybody has access to the best medical care available, what advantage would the wealthy have? None. The lord works in mysterious ways, if he wants to poor to die that's his call. We shouldn't question.
I only hope it's not too late for me to undo the damage I have done. There is no telling how many children I have turned gay, or how many of the terrorists I was directly responsible for letting in to this country. I only know that I have done America a grave disservice by being a liberal and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to right those wrongs. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to order some NASCAR tickets.