Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Baby Cruise destined for trouble

It's a shame that Scientologists can't avail themselves of psychiatric care. Tom Cruise is clearly in need of serious mental therapy. Isn't it obvious that he's a danger to himself an others? He could have seriously hurt himself hopping up and down on Oprah's couch, might have crushed several vertebrae in Katie Holmes' neck when he grabbed her for one of those very public I'm not gay kisses and anybody who saw his glare down with Matt Lauer knows that Cruise was inches from snatching Lauer's heart right out of his chest. Speaking of Lauer, does his vanishing hair have anything to do with Katie Couric leaving for CBS? And why would CBS hire a talking head with no lips? But I digress.

Now they let Tom Cruise have a baby. That's just wrong. Instead of trying to brainwash co-stars, Cruise can focus on building a Scientology drone from scratch. Why can Tom Cruise have a baby with a mindless bubble head when they won't let Angelina Jolie have one? I know she's pregnant but clearly authorities stepped in to stop the madness forcing Jolie to escape to a non-extradition country to have her baby. Namibia? I didn't even know that was country until she went there. Why didn't somebody do the same with Cruise? The country would be a better place if he left. Well maybe not better, but certainly a little less frightening. Every time I reach for my lithium I'm terrified Tom Cruise will leap out of my couch cushions to yell at me. I'd feel a lot better if he were in Africa somewhere preaching Scientology to cannibals. They might have good placenta recipes.

I know, the placenta thing was supposed to be a joke. But how can we be sure? Did he say it in all seriousness and then back off when he realized that it was just a step or two over the edge? And what kind of joke is that anyway? A joke would be threatening to sell the placenta on e-Bay. That's funny. But eating it? Not funny. Especially when you have already proven to the entire world that you're insane. Comedy is clearly not one of Tom's strong suits.

And what was up with Tom Cruise doing all the talking. Katie Holmes was pregnant, but yet it was always Tom talking about what kind of delivery it would be. When does the man ever have any say in the actual delivery? Most men are smart enough to shut up and be supportive, because they know what's coming. Since we don't have to squeeze something weighing around 8 pounds out of our nether regions, we know better than to pontificate about the miracle of child birth.

But not Tom. He was just as chatty as you please, talking about a drug-free and silent delivery. Eight pounds Tom! Katie weighs in at about 120 pounds and she's about to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an orifice that might provide a snug fit for two fingers (we can dream right?) and Tom's talking about silent deliveries? HA. No wonder he backed off those statements. Oprah probably called him and gave him a lecture on the subject.

Now that the baby has arrived, the real circus will begin. Will Cruise have the child's brain removed and modified at a scientology assimilation clinic or will he count on intensive daily instruction to mold his baby into the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard? Who knows? The only thing we know for sure is that this child is heading for one disturbing childhood.

The best part about this, is that we won't have to hear about this anymore. Now that Tom and Katie have squeezed forth their spawn, the press will focus attention on Angelina's baby. Since she's in Namibia, it's going to be hard to get information out quickly, but the preoccupation with it will distract the masses from Tom Cruise and his brat. Then of course we'll have to get Jennifer Anniston's reaction to Brad being a brand new father and we'll learn of Vince Vaughn's dark secret of impotence at the hands of mechanical bull riding contests. The point is, there is enough going on to distract us that we won't have to obsess over Tom and Kate's new baby as if it were our own.

Which might be exactly what Tom wants. He'll carefully mold his child into a Scientological warrior and before we realize the evil he has unleashed on our world it will be too late. Our planet will be overtaken by angry thetans.

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