Monday, December 04, 2006

Figuring out men.

I saw a book today that supposedly outlined a script men follow when they are cheating. It was written by two women which leads me to believe that a couple of harpies who got burned by their men decided to pen a bitch session about what happened and pass themselves off as experts.

In their case there's a good chance that their borderline lesbian relationship made their husbands paranoid and drove them to cheat, but I'll admit that most men don't need to be chased into the arms of another woman. Too many men are shameless pigs who will cheat on their wives and girlfriends if given the opportunity. Mind you most men won't pursue an affair, but if an affair finds them too many will readily oblige.

As a man, I have seen associates who are married hit on women. Sometimes this is a game played by the ego to measure viability but most of the time it's what a sub commander would call active pinging. These guys are looking for a hook up. Fortunately rejection is the most common outcome. The good news for married women is that most guys set their sights too high when they're married. It's like a minor league player taking a shot at the majors, most of the time it doesn't pan out.

Men also like to troll for potential affairs. This technique is really common in at work where men will tell attractive coworkers that their relationship is failing. Sometimes this lands a sympathetic ear and the man can set the ground work for an ongoing discrete affair. The woman he is approaching believes he is trying to untangle a complicated relationship so he can emerge unfettered while the wife at home has no idea that her husband seeking the affections of another. If the coworker is smart she'll demand to see divorce papers before she proceeds. If she's really shrewd she'll call the wife to confirm the problems.

The biggest threat to a relationship is that rare woman who seeks out married men. They take the initiative and move in aggressively. They readily remove the traditional obstacles from their end leaving fidelity resting on the foundation of love and loyalty. Even those men who resist the urge to approach women actively or passively find themselves struggling to resist the temptation of a no strings attached physical relationship.

All men are capable of cheating. That doesn't mean all men will, but most will be tempted at some point in a relationship. There's no script or formula out there and women who read books by jilted counterparts who think they have all the answers are in for a world of hurt. People are as different as snowflakes and assuming that something as simplistic as a script will apply to your situation is nothing short of irresponsible. You might not be ready for a relationship if you think these books will help.

Taking advice from a woman, especially a woman scorned is the worst thing to do. Women have a very nasty tendency of projecting their own problems on to others. If a woman believes she is in an abusive relationship she will believe you are in one as well. Some are really good at playing on insecurities and converting others to their cause. It's like a cult. A miserable, menstrual cult of man-hating.

If your relationship is damaged enough where you think you need to buy a book to figure out whether or not your man is cheating on you it would be wise to pocket the money and break it off. At that point the trust is gone. It doesn't matter if you have just cause or if you're being irrational. That relationship is no longer viable.

No, it doesn't give you that closure where you can go "Waiting to Exhale" on your man, but is that sort of drama really necessary?

Some people like to say that cheating is the symptom of deeper problems in the relationship. That's not the case. There are certainly instances where that applies but in most cases it's a matter of poor impulse control. I don't know if women share the same problem or if it's a "Y" chromosome kind of thing. I suspect women are just as flawed as men even if they won't readily admit it.

If you want to know if your man is cheating on you you're better off listening to your heart than you are listening to your friends. His friends might provide a better clue than yours. If it seems like his buddies are suddenly friendly or being a little forward in hitting on you, it might be because they know something you don't. Maybe they have reason to believe you'll be on the market soon and a test drive is in order. It sounds sick, but men aren't wired for pleasantries. In man world it's uncool to go after another man's mate so taking that risk means something isn't right. If anything it demonstrates that your man has poor taste in friends.

The bottom line is that you go into a relationship alone and nobody can help you. If they try it only makes matters worse. Your best friend won't be objective. If you can't count on your friends to help, why would you shell out 17 bucks to let a couple of bitches from New York give you bad advice.

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