Thursday, March 29, 2007

Women need to get real

As emaciated starlets and wafer thin models dominate the media with their skeletal figures, real women around the country obsess about our society’s unhealthy infatuation with physical perfection and point a chubby finger at men. As if men simply won’t take a sexual interest in somebody a fraction under a perfect “10”.

Please. Men aren’t that demanding.

Don’t get me wrong, we like hot women just as women like muscular young men with a frightening paucity of body hair. But men simply aren’t that choosey. Sure, Hollywood casting procedures certainly favor men. Recently a shriveled old Harrison Ford played the leading man to the smoking hot and decades younger Virginia Madsen and such discrepancies are rather commonplace. 60 year-old actors get to have 20 year-old love interests. That’s the way Hollywood works. So Virginia Madsen has to put up with Harrison Ford’s breath reeking of Super Poly Grip.

Madsen’s story is interesting. Though attractive and talented, Virginia has struggled to become a mainstream star. Before breaking through with a strong performance in Sideways her claim to fame was Candyman. She simply couldn’t find good parts. This might be thanks to the fact that she’s a little fuller figured than most starlets. For some reason Hollywood likes bony white girls. Men don’t mind the curves at all. Most men would rather see Virginia Madsen naked than Nicole Kidman but for some reason Virginia has struggled to find that big name following.

Her brother has not. Michael isn’t in the stratosphere with Brad Pitt but he’s much more poplar than his sister. Women find him appealing in spite of the fact that he’s paunchy and has a massive head with a flat face. He’s not an attractive man but he exudes personality. It’s unfair that he’s enjoyed more success in his career than his sister given the fact that she’s more talented and much easier on the eyes.

Women set the market. The models adorning the covers of magazines like Cosmo, Self and Shape are much thinner than those featured in publications such as Maxim, FHM and Playboy. Men like tits and ass. Women don’t.

When women buy clothing they don’t want to see it displayed on regular women, they want to see what it looks like on models that have impossible measurements. Most women aren’t 6 feet tall and those few who are don’t weigh 115 pounds. But if Victoria’s Secret draped its wares on real women real women wouldn’t spend that kind of money on fancy panties. Nobody wants to lift and separate lop-sided flapjack boobies.

Furthermore, men don’t force fat old men on society. We’re happy that women still find Harrison Ford attractive and thrilled that fat slobs like Jack Black have groupies. It means that we don’t have to become obsessed with our bodies. Women dictate that trend too. Frankly, I found the romantic connection between Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones almost as unsettling as her marriage to Michael Douglas. She could have nixed that role in Entrapment and she should have held out for a younger husband. She just digs old guys. Men aren’t calling those shots, women are. The reason you don’t see Beverly D’Angelo marrying somebody 25 years her junior is because she isn’t open to it. The reason you don’t see Lauren Hutton playing Harrison Ford’s wife is because women won’t buy tickets to see that. Men don’t need romantic scenes, we have porn.

The vexing part of this debate is that the women who complain the loudest aren’t “average.” I used to work with this pig who was 5’2” and weighed every bit of 300 pounds. She was disgusting and ate constantly. She was also loud and unhappy. One day she went off on some rant about men holding women to impossible standards of beauty and had the audacity to characterize herself as “a bigger girl with curves”. Bullshit.

This woman didn’t have curves, she had a circumference. She’s the reason Pluto was downgraded and if Mercury doesn’t shape up she’ll bump it off the list next. The problem is, if this bitch gets any fatter the solar system will start revolving around her. She already has a ring of debris orbiting around her. It’s mostly bread crumbs and that orange cheese powder that falls off or Doritos but I think I saw a couple of Milk Duds in there after Halloween and I know a doughnut got caught in her gravitational field one day but she ate it before it could establish an orbit.

And that’s the problem. Women like her need to feel bad about how they look. They shouldn’t excuse themselves for being morbidly obese. Having a little junk in the trunk is not only acceptable, it’s desirable…but when a pair of coulottes looks like a thong you’re draggin’ too much wagon. Way too much. I like big butts, but I can’t abide by fat asses. Queen Latifa is the classic example of a big beautiful woman but ad another 20 pounds to that frame and you’re crossing the line. In fact, when Queen first broke through in the rap business back in the late 1980’s she was a little heavier and much less attractive. She’s lost quite a bit of weight but It’s quite obvious that she’s not skipping any meals. And that’s a good thing.

The reason emaciated models are the norm is because they are an impossible standard. Obese women can resign themselves to never being able to get that skinny. Fat women love stories of anorexia because they get to pat themselves on the back for resisting the siren call of physical beauty while they scarf down another Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Then, when nobody will date them for fear of getting stuck in a fold, they blame their problems on men.

So stop beating men up for the image of feminine beauty our society subscribes to. Men have long been known to happily take whatever they can get. If women would reject dangerously skinny actresses and models, men would ogle their beefier replacements with the same juvenile zeal.


Megster said...

Hilarious and true. Couldn't stop laughing while reading ure blog!

lkrisquicker said...

damn honey - I have decided you are not only old enough to defile but after reading this essay, you'd probably know exactly how to defile