Getting the most out of celebrity gossip

It’s occurred to me that tabloid shows would be a lot more interesting if they actually emulated tabloids. Sadly this came to me recently when I was watching one of celebrity gossip gabfests one evening. I don’t know the names of the shows but it was not the show with Sugar Ray. Yes, I know his name is Mark McGrath but if people are going to insist on calling Darius Rucker “Hootie” I think it’s only fair if we call Mark McGrath “Sugar Ray”, which makes me wonder if these tabloid shows would fare better if “Hootie” was a host.

It’s important to clarify that I didn’t seek this show out. It happened to be on when I sat down and I did not feel inclined to change the channel. I’m not being coy when I say that I didn’t enjoy the program. It was awful. Believe me, I wish I was just saying that. I prefer to get my dirt from Best Week Ever because I like my gossip delivered with the snarky commentary that only has-been and never-will-be comics can deliver. Go get ‘em, Doug Benson.

The host (I later learned his name is Billy Bush) makes Ryan Seacrest seem like a man’s man. Billy Bush is an annoying little turd who seems more interested in his time in front of the camera than the people he’s supposed to be yammering on about. Granted that’s not unusual in his line of work. Katie Couric ditched a cushy gig on NBC so she could get more exposure on CBS. Well, she doesn’t get more exposure because Today ran for 10 hours straight but CBS guarantees plenty of shots at he legs and a special make up crew to keep those gams in prime condition. The problem with Billy is that he’s so obvious about being a whore. Billy Bush is like that hooker down in the warehouse district where as Katie’s more like a $2500 a night call girl, although at this point CBS is probably wishing they would have gone that route. The $2500 a night call girl would be cheaper and more believable.

One of the (ahem) news items was a quick blurb on Britney’s hair. Apparently it’s grown a full two inches since she hacked it off to get even with her evil mother. All it did was made it easier for her mom to steal her boyfriends. There was another segment on Nicole Ritchie and her official California department of corrections weight which seems to indicate a net gain of 20 pounds since Nicole was last arrested. Something tells me that extra 20 pounds was probably contraband stuffed deep into various orifices.

Now I’m sure that these shows are more interesting when Lindsay Lohan runs over a girl scout troop and with Halloween coming up around the time she gets out of rehab for real there’s still hope, but the content on these shows leaves something to be desired. When I see the tabloid magazines in the checkout isle I notice compelling stories about women giving birth half human freaks and alien conspiracies. Even the more mundane celebrity gab rags deliver interesting pictures of Sharon Stone’s flabby ass and Jessica Alba’s botched Brazilian. Why can’t they feature those stories on the live action shows?

I’d also like to see some hard hitting stuff. Paper tabloids love to speculate about sexuality, so let’s put some of these celebrities on the hot seat and get to the point. I’m tired of wondering about Nathan Lane. Come on, buddy, fess up. Granted stars like Nathan Lane don’t want to come out because the mystery keeps their names in the papers but why should they manipulate the press? This is still journalism, right? If these stars want to play they have to pay. Straight answers or no more publicity…not even if your publicist begs for it.

Imagine putting Tom Cruise to the test:

Gossip Monger: So, Tom, have you stopped being gay?

Tom Cruise: Yes…I mean no…wait, I’m not gay.

GM: It’s a yes or no question.

TC: No it’s not! You…

GM: OK, No it is. So is Katie comfortable with your relationship?

TC: You’re a jerk.

GM: So she’s not. So are you seeing any famous men?