Ohio Stripped of strippers

I’ve never been a big fan of being told what to do. I was a rebellious child and a resentful student. The trend continues to this day. I’ve infuriated employers and coworkers alike. It’s not that I don’t like to follow rules; I’m a law-abiding citizen and for the most part I’m an honorable and respectful person. My problem is when authority is imposed for authority’s sake. Don’t push me around. My response to the cop who tells me to “move along” is usually “get a warrant”. If I’m feeling particularly salty I might even call him “bacon boy” or “dough nut breath”. Fuck the police indeed.

I wear my seatbelt because I don’t want to end up in a wheelchair if some idiot crosses the center line and hits me head on (apply directly to the forehead) but it pisses me off that there are laws that make choosing not to wear a seatbelt illegal. If I don’t want to wear my seatbelt it’s really nobody else’s business. Sure, it’s dangerous to drive with out it but I do lots of things that are dangerous. I sure don’t want somebody telling me I can’t ski because the risk for injury is too severe. Screw you.

I’m not a big fan of strip clubs. Part of that is because my wife is smoking hot and will strip for free but it’s mostly because I’m a pretty big fan of completing the transaction…if you know what I mean. What’s the point in watching attractive women dance around in the nude if you aren’t going to dance with them? So I don’t go, but that doesn’t mean I want some bible-thumping loon to tell me when I can and can’t see naked women.

Ohio recently imposed a rigid law governing the operation of strip clubs. Basically strip clubs can’t operate after midnight. If they do, the ladies need to put their clothes on and wait tables. That’s patently stupid. On the rare occasion I feel slightly inclined to go to a strip club it’s after midnight. I suspect that’s the case for most guys. That’s why those phone sex commercials proliferate basic cable in the wee hours of the morning. Shutting the clubs down only diverts that post-midnight money.

Another provision in that law makes it a crime if an erotic entertainer and a patron are closer than six feet to each other. That’s a sticky wicket because there are a lot of situations where a stripper and a patron could breach that arbitrary radius, such as ordering a drink or walking to the rest room. Strippers will be like black cats with patrons trying to jump out of that dreaded “six-foot radius”. And heaven help you if you bump into a stripper in one of those dark, cramped clubs. That could be a felony. It’s also odd because we don’t know the limits… where does it stop? One could argue that waitresses at Hooters are defacto erotic entertainers and they continuously breach that radius.

And you can bet the cops will enforce the law. Why? Easy duty and easy money. Cops will line up to get assigned to a stakeout and the fines will roll in so fast the courthouses will install credit card machines in every court room. Gone are the days when nabbing sex offenders required extensive sting operations. Cha-ching.

The “six-foot rule” also ends the lucrative enterprises of lap dances, table dances and the revered tradition of stuffing bills into g-strings. What now…a collection plate? Speaking of which, I’d probably go to church and contribute readily if they’d peddle some flesh other than that stale old cracker they pass off as “the body of Christ.” I’m sorry but I’d like my savior to be a little more savory…and I wouldn’t mind catching the occasional glimpse of Mary’s virgin hoo-hah. What’s she hiding anyway? See, already I’m feeling sexually repressed. I’m almost 40 which means there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be fat, bald and single in a few years. Then I’ll need strip clubs.

I suppose I can hang around the Catholic high school. I noticed that they built an addition and strategically encased a stairwell in glass. That makes it easy to sit outside and look up those naughty little skirts as the girls migrate between classes. Since the new strip club laws have gone into effect I’ve noticed cars starting to line up outside. I wonder if that was part of the plan. Will the diocese put in meters so they can cash in on the newly created market?

The argument for the strip club law is that it will cut down on crime. One proponent actually argued that men will spend less time and money in the strip clubs thus making them better husbands and fathers. Really? Or will that derelict father turn to some other diversion? There are certainly things much worse than strip clubs. Prohibition taught us a valuable lesson: Depriving people of alcohol actually increased criminal activity and turned a nation into junkies willing to brew rot gut in their bathtubs and drink turpentine straight from the bottle.

It stands to reason that the men who found some degree of sexual gratification in the controlled environment of the strip club will resort to illicit forms of satisfaction. I suspect illegal prostitution will increase. After all, if you’re committing a crime by getting a lap dance you might as well go all the way and make it count. And why is prostitution illegal in the first place? Sex is usually a transaction anyway. Is there really that much of a difference between buying a woman a tennis bracelet and giving her cash?

Morality is a personal issue. If you don’t like strip clubs, don’t go. If the strip club near you is a den of criminal activity then demand that the police enforce existing laws, but don’t sterilize society because you have a problem with erotica. Laws should only be written to protect people from doing harm to one another. Strips clubs aren’t forcing themselves on anybody; everybody is there by choice. If we’re going to impose laws on people to protect them from their own choices we might want to consider banning cheeseburgers and candy bars.

Or church. I’ve seen more lives ruined by evangelists than by strippers.