Friday, August 29, 2008

Yowza!




You know I like Barack Obama and I had every intention of voting for him even though I knew full well he’d be lucky to make it through the first year. We’ve come a long way when it comes to racism in this country but the ever-diminishing herds of inbred, WalMart-shopping, NASCAR fanatics who hate anybody not white and stupid is still dangerous. Up in Golden, Colorado rival biker gangs took time off from their busy schedule of feuding and selling drugs to unite in order to harass Arab news network Al Jazeera as they covered small town America’s reaction to Obama’s nomination. I’m sure they were impressed at all the colorful epithets hundreds of people who can’t even spell “epithet” hurled at them. It was nice for Obama because all of those ignorant crackers forgot to harass (or worse) him.

I knew that John McCain was going to offset his antiquity by tapping a younger running mate. I never thought it would be Sarah Palin and I approve of tapping her. I think we all do. She might be smart, I don’t mean to be sexist but as my black friends like to say: DAMN! Or, as my white friends who try to be black would say: BOOYA!

She’s pretty hot. Not just for a vice presidential candidate either, although Dan Quayle would not have maintained his purity for more than 20 minutes in prison. I don’t know if Dan would have made it through Boy Scout camp without being forced to grab his ankles. Anyway, Dan Quayle’s soft femininity aside, Palin is quite the piece of tail. That might be disrespectful but it’s not like she doesn’t put it out there.

I don’t know anything about her politics but she can impose her economic policy on me anytime. I wouldn’t mind if she violated my civil rights. Hard. And that’s what McCain is counting on. He knows he can gain an edge over Obama because he’s white and has a plain old white name. John McCain: he’s like a big loaf of Wonder bread with the crusts already removed. They don’t even let brides wear such a shade of white because nobody is that pure. McCain can’t beat Obama in a debate but as long as Obama is black and named Obama, that’s all the advantage McCain needs. Watch, when they do debate I bet McCain says Obama’s name like 400 times. Obama…Barack Obama….Barack Hussein Obama…Obama mama…negrobama....

Nobody really cares about the VP. They’re all about image. You have to find a counterpoint to the Presidential candidate in order to appeal to a bigger cross section of voters. In other words, you have to pander to prejudice. So Obama picked an old white guy who talks about coal mines, shot guns and whatever else sounds rugged. McCain can talk about all of those things because he was born before we had them.

I had a feeling that McCain might pick a woman because so many of Hillary’s supporters were disgruntled when Obama beat her for the nomination. I figured it would be a young woman as well. I didn’t think it would be Wonder Woman. Joe Biden doesn’t stand a chance in the VP debates because everybody is going to be looking at her boobs. I know I will and I’m not a boob man. I’m a card carrying member of the ass brigade but I’m not above breaking ranks and casting the occasional vote for a nice set of jugs.

McCain is counting on that because he’s old and ugly. He’s wrinkled and grizzled and old. He served in the Navy when they were still using sails and went to school in a sod house with the other four kids that hadn’t been kidnapped by marauding bands of Huron Indians. He’s grouchy and old. Ancient. Like dirt, but whiter…and older. But how can I look at the Depends-wearing geezer in the corner when there’s a hot chick in the middle of the room. How you doin’?

Now I like to pretend I know about politics but I didn’t know who Sarah Palin was before I heard her named mentioned as McCain’s running mate. I looked her up online but really didn’t get past the image search. I guess she was the Governor of Alaska or is or saw the Governor of Alaska somewhere. I don’t care. She looks like a dominatrix out of a fetish film…or so I might imagine.

How would she run the country if (if?) McCain passed away? Hopefully with an unrelenting desire to whip us all into submission. Look, things are pretty well hosed. We need to just admit that George W. Bush’s idiocy was more powerful than the Constitution. We voided the warranty on our government by putting a moron into office. It’s nice to talk about fixing things, but it’s not going to happen. So in November I’m casting my vote for a great set of boobs and I hope you’ll join me. If we’re on a collision course with disaster we might as well enjoy the view. That’s what John McCain wants, and, damn it, that’s good enough for me.

4 comments:

dickel said...

Whew. I'm jealous.

Anonymous said...

Pretty sad and true. Not pretty funny.

Goldie said...

I'm a hetero woman, so I read up on Sarah. God help us all if she's ever elected. I kinda envy you guys, at least you'll have the boobies to look at.

Lamp said...

I love you!

Seriously, love the blog....

Vote Obama.