Friday, May 08, 2009

Hey, Joe


I probably shouldn’t waste my time on Joe Wuzzlebucker, or Joe The (unlicensed) Plumber, but he hails from Ohio and as a native I feel the need to offer some sort of counterpoint. It’s my duty to make sure that, while most of the state is full of idiots just like Weasleblubber, there are actually a handful of thoughtful people who live here. We don’t necessarily like it, but we do the best we can.

Whipplebeater rose to fame when he confronted Barack Obama on his economic policies. He lamented that fact that Obama’s tax plan would discourage him from buying the company he worked for even though that company was so small that it was eligible for tax cuts under Obama’s plan. It was later revealed that Whatsabooger had never discussed any purchase arrangement with the owner of the company and of course we learned that Joe wasn’t really a plumber at all, but rather an unlicensed tech known for unclogging toilets with his bare hands. Sometimes, according to a number of his customers, he even ate poop. Disgusting.

Wumpleborshter became an instant celebrity and at first pretended not to like it. He was a regular guy who never asked for the attention. A regular guy who didn’t pay his taxes, worked illegally as an unlicensed professional, had pre-existing ties to John McCain, and who hired a publicity firm so he could distance himself as far from being a regular guy as possible. A regular guy who enjoys kimchee enemas, gay anime porn, purple nurples, and weekly spankings from Jamie Farr.

Whackyburger actually doing quite well as a media whore. He’s pretended to be a journalist and an author. He’s a keen political analyst offering such brilliant insights as “a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel” and “one step closer to socialism” even though he has no idea what socialism is (the only Marx he knows is Groucho) and he couldn’t point to Israel on a map.

Recently, Whosabubba gave us his insight of homosexuality. It would appear that Joe The Relentless Hack is now an expert on social issues. He thinks that homosexuals are queer and to justify this stance he looked it up in the dictionary. Queer, he says, means strange or unusual different and homosexuals are strange. “It’s not like a slur,” he told Christian Today (formerly Voice of the KKK) magazine, “like you would call a white person a honky or something like that." Then he explains that God is clear about what men and women are for. So apparently it’s also Joe The Evangelical Minister now as well. Stupid ass honky.

The problem, of course, is that regardless of what version of God you believe in, there is no clarity on the subject of homosexuality. The bible has passages that seem to condemn it but then there are other passages that seem to accept it. The confusion exists because it’s not spelled out in simple terms. Christians seem pretty sure that homosexuality is a sin but God didn’t seem to think it was worth wasting a commandment on and Jesus didn’t make it his mission to put an end to guy on guy action.

Regardless of what conservatives try to tell you, homosexuality just wasn’t a priority. Unless the whole “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass” line was supposed to be interpreted as a prohibition on guy–on-guy action. Unless it’s with a Congressional page, your meth dealer or a stranger in the men’s room. The reason it’s such a big deal now is because all those bible-thumping Christians are terrified that one day one of their children might come home for college with a close friend of the same gender and tell them that they’re gay and opening a community theater in Portland together. Oh the horror!

But Weinerbelcher, like most so-called Christians, hasn’t read the bible. It’s quite possible that he doesn’t know how to read at all because if he could read, he probably wouldn’t have missed the city regulation that mandated the need for a plumbing license. Of course, the guy’s not all bad. He was quick to mention that he has gay friends and that they all understand where he stands. Apparently they take no offense that Joe The Homophobe doesn’t want them around his kids.

Of course that’s probably not an issue he needs to address. Gays tend to have an aversion to inbred twits and their rotten children. It’s unlikely that Joe The Blithering Idiot knows any openly gay people and if he does it’s doubtful that they consider him a friend, but if he’s worried about his kids he should rethink his association with the Republican Party and all those back room boy toys in its midst.

The guy is an assclown but because the people who run conservative media outlets are elitist snobs who think that working class people are just as moronic as Weeblebater, they keep giving him a forum to speak his mind and that’s too bad.

Look, I’m not delusional. I know a lot of working class people right here in Ohio and they aren’t exactly geniuses. Ohio is probably home to more than its fair share of stupid people, but that doesn’t mean we should take the biggest unwashed rube from the huddled masses and make a star out of him. There are real plumbers with real opinions and better means of expressing them. Why not give them 15 minutes of fame?


mama said...

I really enjoy your writing. I find it thought provoking and it challenges my belief system. I'm curious as to how many times you've read the bible and how many christians you know. You clearly have a strong dislike for christians and I assume you are an atheist. There are so many things that I would really like to discuss with you but frankly I find you a bit intimidating and I'm more than just a little trepidatious at the thought of pissing you off. Anyway, I really enjoy your blog and I look forward to each new entry. I really want to say that the foolishness and corruption of man in no way negates the truth of God. It makes me sad that because of the evil that people do, using the name of God as their justification, that so many turn from Him. Oh, and could you tell me what chapter and verse you were speaking of when you said that there are passages in the bible where homosexuality is acceptable to God? I would love to see it for myself because I have a hard time believing that God would send someone to hell for their sexual preference. Thanks

claw71 said...

I read the bible once back when I was 14 and trying to figure things out. Then I found out there are several version of the bible. Now, I read a lot of essays and articles about various religious texts.

I dislike the institution of religion in general. Christianity is the religion I deal with on a daily basis so my disdain for certain Christians is more prominent but I've been at odds with Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Wiccans and even other atheists who seem to want to turn atheism into some sort of club. I am an atheist, not out of spite or anger, but rather practicality. I don't need anybody to join me. I don't need a strict set of rules.

I've done some reading on Jesus and I think that he'd share my views on what has become of Christianity. He seemed pretty outspoken about the politicization of religion, which was his beef with the Jewish faith at the time, and talked a lot about minding your own spiritual business.

The tricky thing about biblical verses is that most are subject to interpretation but the Book of Samuel seems to convey a homosexual relationship between David and Jonathan. Is that tacit approval? I don't know. In Leviticus you'll find pretty plain language about homosexuality, but if you read Leviticus you'll discover that most of the prohibitions described therein are ignored today. And of course the idea of putting people to death flies in the face of "judge not lest ye shall be" and "thou shalt not kill"

Now we have a couple of pastors who actually celebrate the death of Matthew Shepard and a congresswoman who recently characterized aspects of his murder as a hoax. That's scary.

The problem with religion is that people pick and choose what parts of the bible to follow. And other people have chosen the texts that have gone in. Ultimately, religion is exploited by people for their own gain. It's about money and power. Religion is too often used to put people down rather than lift them up.

Religion was used to prohibit interracial relationships and justify slavery. It was used to mitigate the slaughter of Native Americans and George W. Bush actually believed that God wanted him to fight Islam, even though history tells us that every other crusade was about land and power.

I'm not trying to say that I'm right, but I sure as hell don't think anybody else is.

You can't really piss me off on this subject, but most of the time it's something that people have to agree to disagree on. I once got into a debate with a pastor on a local website and concluded that we couldn't have an intelligent discussion. He believes that the world is about 6000 years old and he rejects science in general. We had no common ground to start from. His goal, of course was to convert me. I don't really have a goal. I have an aversion to the way religion is used to oppress freedom of thought and that comes out in my writing.

mama said...

It's funny because we seem to have the same beliefs yet we've reached drastically different conclusions. I realized a long time ago that the King James Bible was a translation of a translation and that to get to the truth I would have to dig a lot deeper. I learned some basic Greek and to a lesser degree some Arabic and found some good reference books, concordances and lexicons and developed some basic premises or rules for study, such as, the Bible is the word Of God and in God's word there are no contradictions. If I come across an apparent contradiction, the problem lies either in the translation or my understanding or I'm taking things out of context. Just an example... I was reading in Psalms... I forget chapter and verse but can easily find it if you're interested, and the context of what I was reading was very uplifting and that God loves us and our physical lives are very important to Him. Then I come to a verse that says, and I'm paraphrasing, every death is precious to Him. I thought, WTF? With my understanding and the gazillion preachers who actually preach this, I thought that verse was saying God was totally diggin' it when we died. I hear preachers and pastors talk about God picking flowers for his heavenly garden, blah blah blah...Anyway, my little pea brain just couldn't reconcile the context of what I'd been reading with this one verse. I didn't have my handy-dandy reference materials handy at the time but I did have my dictionary. I looked up the word precious and viola or voila, whichever you prefer, one of the definitions was costly as in a precious gem. Well now, that made sense within the context of the surrounding verses. Every death is costly to God. I hope you don't mind me blathering on. Like I said I find your writing very thought provoking and since you are provoking my thoughts I thought I'd share them with you. One more thing and I'm not adding this because I'm a shameless web whore *cough*... recently I posted on my blog, something that I think is apropos for this bit of discourse, and I'd like to share it with you...

Organized religion is nothing more than the reflection of man's perverted understanding of the truth.

When you factor in politics, greed and the struggle for power, you have the formula for evil.

Man's beliefs cannot negate the truth nor can his actions. Regardless of what I say or do, the truth is just that. The truth.

neenerbeeners said...

Wow, this is getting theological. I was going to crack a joke that you must work where I do, why don't I see you around? I work in an office at a university in Utah. The favorite pasttime there is to be offended by something. I don't even have to cuss, all I have to do is make coffee. Believe it or not some Mormons think that they will go to hell if they drink caffeine. But they sure as hell would never give up their chocolate bars or beer they drink in the closet. I was raised Christian too and my mother decided during one of her breakdowns we should be baptized Mormon. I went along I was a kid what did I know? I can't say that I haven't felt a need not to pray but the whole organized religion thing I agree is a farce and excuse to make money. When I took a philosophy class in college I had some serious doubts but just came to the realization that it's ok. I don't have to be sure just live what feels right for me. Too bad most Christians can't get that through their heads. It's all about bringing in the tithing so they can make all those new churches and temples. I'm not saying that most religions don't have strong principles that help keep people on the straight and narrow. That's good, but I especially hate the religions that say 'My way is the only way' and their close minded followers. There are many great religions in the world and more great people. I think if there is a God he/she/it loves all not just some. Religion is a way to control the people, I would rather think for myself. If I am living a life that feels right to me why should I inundate myself with guilt because I am not following the 'right way'? Anyway I found your attitude hilarious. I love sarcasm that tells it like it is. I think if we could really express ourselves assertively without repercussions in the workplace, we would have less problems. Office politics suck!