Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Beyonce's Butt Love.

Beyonce loves her butt and if we're being honest with ourselves she does have a nice bum, but her latest offering is yet another ode to her ass and all the men who want to press up on it.

Look, it's great that she has such wonderful self-esteem. Really. A lot of girls in her position get paranoid with how they look and develop eating disorders. How about that chubby Lohan girl? Maybe that's a testament to the black standard of beauty. White girls can never be too thin, while black women are careful not to lose too much weight. When a black girl asks you if her butt looks big the appropriate answer is Hell Yeah. Say that to a white girl and you'll spend the next six months listening to her purge every meal. Maybe it's the color. Darker clothing is slimming, so maybe dark skin has the same effect. Pasty white skin reflects more light and makes the object look bigger. Perhaps that's why Lara Flynn Boyle still looks a little pudgy at 92 pounds and Nicole Kidman looks like a cow even though we can count each one of her ribs.

But Beyonce goes too far. We all loved Bootylicious where Beyonce and the girls warned us all that we simply weren't ready for all that jelly. Her body was too bootylicious. Now she's telling us we can check up on it. The good news is that she's not too bootylicious anymore. If we play our cards right and keep our hands off it, she might decide that we are ready for that jelly. The only catch is that we have to put it on her. Like no one's put it on her. The girl is a freak, guys. She loves her butt and wants you to love it too. You know what she's talking about. The back lot is open, parking is free.

Look, it's cool to drop a nonsense song for the sake of fun and games. Black Eyed Peas released the hilarious My Humps, which was a not so subtle jab at the Beyonce-inspired love my butt sub-genre, but Beyonce doesn't come off as having a little fun. It's marketing; Beyonce is selling sex. She's already made her money... she's famous and is at that point in her career where she could do something truly meaningful. Instead of taking her career to the next level and exploring something deeper, she's asking the world to objectify her and appreciate her for her physical attributes. I'm sure her parents are enormously proud. The money's nice, but is it really worth watching your daughter advertise her butt as a playground?

The thing is her butt isn't all that. She's not all that. Kelly Rowland is prettier and more vocally talented than Beyonce, but Kelly's not as willing to pimp herself out the way her bandmate has. And when it comes to butts Jennifer Lopez is the undisputed heavyweight champ of the world. J-Lo's rump is like Ali, where Beyonce's is more like Riddick Bowe. It's big and has good form, but it's mostly hype. Jo-Lo's butt is versatile... it can stick and move or stand there and take a beating. Moreover her butt has a tremendous personality. It really sells itself. Beyonce's butt just goes out there and does the same thing everytime and if it weren't for Beyonce taking the time to tell us all how great her butt is we wouldn't even know about it.

What makes Beyonce's butt so appealing is it's availability. She wants us to love her for her butt and she puts it out there. It's like Twinkies. We know there are better snack cakes to be had, but everywhere we look there are Twinkies, so we eat them and we're almost always disappointed. The same thing holds true with Beyonce's butt. J-Lo's is better, but Beyonce's is everywhere so we settle for her's by default just like we settle for those stale old Twinkies when we'd rather have a Cinnabon.

J-Lo knows she's got a great ass but she doesn't beg us to worship it. In fact, she almost seems intent on managing her career without a lot of help from her ass. Her butt's got a tremendous following and if she ever collaborated with it on a large scale the partnership formed would be unstoppable, but J-Lo's butt only enjoys the occasional cameo in her performances. It's actually a little disappointing. Kind of like Backdraft with Robert Dinero. I respect J-Lo for not singing a song about her butt, but since she's really such a lousy singer it would actually make sense if she used music as a reason to promote her ass. What I'm saying is that the roles are reversed. Beyonce should be focused on the serious singing career while J-Lo should be forcing her gigantic ass on the world. J-Lo's ass should be like a Death Star holding the entire planet hostage. Who needs Carrie Fisher on a leash when you've got J-Lo's butt? It's time for J-Lo to stop screwing around and embrace her ass. It's part of her and should be part of her career.

I'm not saying I want Beyonce to put her ass away for good. I love a good butt as much as the next guy, but sometimes you need a break. Mix it up a little for us. Do you have any other body parts worth crooning about? Ear lobes? Elbows?

Ooh Boy your looking at my arm, I see... Do you like how it bends more than 96 degrees?

1 comment:

Kirsten said...

That... was great.