Friday, January 20, 2006

Pity Party for Jennifer Anniston needs to stop.

So Brad Pitt's a jerk and Angelina Jolie is a homewrecker. I can buy that, but it's high time for Jennifer Anniston to stop wallowing in her very public misery and move on. With Pitt formally adopting Jolie's international brood and his own bun in her oven, the nation's eyes have turned to Jennifer Anniston. It's one of those trainwrecks we have to watch unfold. Personally I don't watch it. What I would like to see is these three kids patch things up and video tape a little 3-way action before Angelina Jolie starts to show. I'd pay good money for a copy of that tape.

Jen's got a strong base of moronic female fans who have this odd high school brat pack mentality. It's very much like listening to a group of cheerleaders gab and gossip. Like, Oh my god, he's such a jerk. I can't believe he left you for that slut. Anniston kept quiet on her breakup with Brad Pitt for a while...until the time was right. Then she sold an interview and revealed how hurt she really was. A nation of women who somehow see themselves as localized versions of Jennifer Anniston have offered their empathy, knowing full well they would have snatched Brad Pitt from Anniston's clutches if Pitt had expressed a vague interest in any one of them. When did Anniston become an every-woman? I dare say the same women identifying with Anniston would have gladly trampled her to death to get a whiff of Brad's dirty underpants. In fact, some of those woman would probably leave their husbands for Angelina Jolie as well. Jolie's just got a magnetism that everybody is drawn her brother, for instance.

If she would have asked me I could have warned her that Brad Pitt was not a relationship guy; the fact is that most celebrities aren't wired for real relationships. The traits that provide them with the audacity to presume that everybody wants to look at them are the same that render them emotionally incapable of loving anybody else. That dance card is full. Most celebrities can have sex with another person, but they only have room in their hearts for themselves.

If you did a little digging you might find that Jennifer Anniston broke her share of hearts too. There was a time when she was a little chubbier and a lot less famous. Do you suppose she suddenly reevaluated her relationships when she became Ms. Thing? I bet she did. There are probably a couple of guys out there who found themselves left out in the cold as Jennifer Anniston climbed up through the varying degrees of celebrity status. Sorry Adam Duritz, but Ms. Anniston doesn't date c-listers any more...especially when you haven't released a hit record in ten years. Good luck with the band, though.

Still that doesn't mitigate Brad Pitt wiping his chiseled little butt with her heart, does it? No. But Jennifer Anniston is wrong to assume she should cry on the public's shoulder. She's the one who thought she could manage a relationship with a man who has a billion women lined up to get into his pants and a lousy relationship track record. Besides, we're talking about Angelina Jolie. 95% of all straight men in this country would leave their wives for Angelina Jolie. In fact, their wives would insist on it. We're talking about Lara Croft, here!

And Jennifer didn't exactly show Brad up did she? He dumps her for a woman whose lips are the answer to J-Lo's butt and she rebounds with Vince Vaughn? Gross. The man looks like a bag of skin with legs. Dude, find that gym membership card and put the Pringles down. Step away from the butter. She really needed to hook up with somebody hot. Like a younger version of Brad Pitt without the acne scars. That would show him. Or better yet, get jiggy with a black guy. Nothing makes prissy white guys more uncomfortable than knowing their ex has developed a taste for chocolate. It makes them wonder if they were inadequate. It's too late now, the damage is done. You can bet that Brad had a good laugh over Vince Vaughn. I know I did.

The public felt bad for Nicole Kidman when Tom Cruise dumped her, but Nicole didn't have her publicist release a statement disclosing Nicole's misery every time Tom showed up in public with Penelope Cruz. Nicole moved on. Take a cue, Jen. You loved, you lost. At least you're not 50 pounds overweight, stuck with five kids and a double mortgage. It could have been worse. Much worse. Most women don't get paid three million dollars to tell Vanity Fair how bad they feel when their man leaves them.

So suck it up, Jen. You're hot, you're rich and you're famous. Life is good. For you anyway. The rest of us would love to be saddled with your troubles. Except for that whole Vince Vaughn thing. We'll take Brad Pitt dumping us, you keep V-2.

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