Our last two presidential elections lacked charisma. George W. Bush won because his party pandered to the Christian fundamentalists on the far fringes of the religious right. He surrounded himself with people who firmly believed that the greatest threat to our country was the enormous popularity of Harry Potter.
Everybody knows that Bush cheated in both elections…when Pat “Hitler” Buchanan gets enough votes to win counties with a heavy Jewish population you know that something is amiss…but he was only able to cheat because the Democrats failed to challenge him with a strong candidate. Al Gore was #4 in the Clinton Administration narrowly losing the number 3 spot out to whichever intern Clinton was banging that week but before that he took a back seat to his own wife, Tipper. To this day her stickers adorn almost everything at your local Media Play store, but her efforts to stamp out indecency were thwarted when Al invented the internet.
In an attempt to prove that Al Gore wasn’t quite as P-whipped as everybody made him out to be, the next Democratic Candidate was John Kerry who famously stuck his foot in his mouth and crapped all over his campaign by uttering the infamous quote “I voted for the war in Iraq, before I voted against it.” Kerry later went on to characterize the men and women serving in Iraq as uneducated. Only a nincompoop like Kerry could take military service commendations earned in combat and turn them into a liability. Kerry comes from a well-to-do family with political connections but he swooped in and married into the Heinz family fortune anyway. Not surprisingly it was Teresa Kerry who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind.
Bush was no winner either. As inane as Kerry can be Bush is worse. Kerry puts his foot in his mouth but Bush consistently talks out of his ass. He’s a blithering idiot surrounded by creepy overlords like Dick Cheney who will shoot you in the face for no apparent reason and then demand an apology from you. With Bush, we’re talking about a guy who sexually harassed a world leader on international television. If you think that’s overstating it find the highest ranking female executive in your company, sneak up behind her at the quarterly meeting and squeeze her shoulders in front of everybody. Good bye career.
Charisma won’t be a problem this time around. Both parties have fielded a pool of front runners that are certain to amaze, astound and titillate. The Republicans have lawyer-actor-senator Fred Thompson taking the helm. Fred’s never been linked to any serious scandals but his wife is a former stripper/escort who is young enough to get him arrested in some of the northern states where the age of consent is a ridiculously elderly 16. If you thought Billy Carter, Roger Clinton and Neil Bush were campaign poison, wait until the Democrats start digging up dirt on the lovely Mrs. Thompson. Assuming, of course, that Fred passes conservative muster...there is reason for some to believe that Fred Thompson might have caught himself of case of the liberalism when he rubbed elbows with those bleeding heart Hollywood pinkos…like Sam Watterson.
If Fred falters Rudy Giuliani is likely to assume the nomination because he’s the only person still playing the 9-11 card who hasn’t been linked to a subsequent 9-11 scandal. Yet. There are those who take umbrage to the fact the Giuliani never made a visit to Ground Zero without his trusted media entourage but it’s nothing a photo montage and a little flag waving can’t cure. Yeah, Rudy exploited 9-11 for his own personal gain but he spent more time at Ground Zero than all of those stupid rescue workers who are whining about their health all of sudden. Those guys might have been crawling through the wreckage looking for bodies but Rudy could have been blinded by a flash bulb. Think of his retinas.
Giuliani has skeletons in his closet too and not just dead ex-wives he abandoned at their death beds. America’s Mayor grew up with mafia bosses. He played informants and hitmen with them. This is a biographical point Giuliani gleefully pointed out when he ran for mayor of New York City, but will the rest of the country feel good about electing a guy who made his fun money running numbers for the Gambino family? Overt mafia ties might work in New York and Chicago but the rest of the country prefers its politicians laundered.
Giuliani’s claim to fame is cleaning up New York but at what cost? Under Giuliani the NYPD ran amuck, shooting first and covering up the evidence later and while New Jersey is certainly a convenient place to dump the garbage when you run New York, we’ll need a president who is a little more creative. We can’t round up all of the drug dealers, bums and people who like to go out and ship them off to Canada. Or can we?
The biggest concern for the Republican Party is how to handle the campaign trail with all of the hot gay hook up spots being under surveillance. It was great when these sting operations were landing the limousine liberals in Hollywood but now all of that morality based funding has come back to haunt the moral majority. Can the Republican front runners keep their hands of other men long enough to win the election? How long can you go without hot gay sex?
The Democrats aren’t exactly rolling out a second string either. Hillary Clinton is the Imelda Marcos of skeleton closets. Hillary’s got scandals warehoused in locations around the country. The problem is that the Republican party spent millions of dollars digging up every last bone but couldn’t find the connective tissue to make anything stick to Hillary or her husband. Pundits like Limbaugh, Beck and Coulter will make all kinds of grand accusations but the only people buying them will be die hard Republican ditto heads. It will make for great entertainment but it won’t hurt her. They’d be better off proving that she’s a lesbian and when you look at Bill’s taste in mistresses that might not be far from the truth.
Barak Obama is the most intriguing candidate of this election. He criticized the entire baby boomer generation on record and his middle name is Hussein. Wrap your mind around that for a while. Barak Hussein Obama. In name alone he is already the greatest president this country has ever had. All of this country’s problems with the Middle East would melt away the day he wins the election because nobody in that corner of the world is going to mess with somebody named Barak Hussein Obama. In the various Islamic languages his name literally translates to Make My Day. To those people it might as well be Ivan The Terrible, Genghis Kahn or Pope Benedict.
Obama doesn’t have a long political career so it’s hard to tie him to any scandals but in addition to the name, Obama has familial ties to Islam. It’s even been rumored that he attended an Islamic elementary school in the Philippines where, according to conservative pundits, he may or may not have studied the mystical art of suicide bombing. Apparently he didn’t receiving a passing grade, but that doesn’t mean he won’t take it up as a hobby while in office. That should provide plenty of fodder once the campaign battles start heating up. Not that they’ll need it because Obama is black, after all. The day this country elects a black president is the day all the white people pack up and move to Canada.
Come to think of it, that might not be so bad.