The reporters made him do it.
Larry Craig claims he’s not gay. All he wanted was a little guy on guy action in the men’s room and the next thing he knew he was being arrested. Granted, when the undercover cop first shoved him up against the wall and started frisking him Craig was excited but when he was marched out to the awaiting cruiser the gig was up.
Craig made the mistake of looking for love in the wrong place. Guys on the down low, as they call it, have to stay ahead of the cops. The airport restroom Craig tried to hook up in was an old hot spot that the cops were all too aware of. All it takes is one straight guy walking in on a casual daisy chain to bring the weight of the police department down on the whole operation. If Larry Craig had checked the chat rooms rather than taking Ted Stevens at his word, Craig would have known he was reaching under the wrong stall.
Craig won’t admit that he was on a sausage hunt in that crapper but he accepted a plea agreement. Now he claims that he copped the plea in order to get those pesky reporters off his back and believes that is sufficient grounds to revoke his guilty plea. It might work but does he really think he’ll get his credibility back?
In Georgia a McDonald’s employee was arrested and detained for over-salting a burger. She might face criminal charges. Of course the “victim” was a police officer who claims that the salty burger made him sick which prompted the accused to ask why he ate the burger rather than spit it out and demand a refund. Indeed.
This is a classic example of cops abusing their power and the criminal justice system playing along. It’s hard enough to get a cop to show up when there’s trouble but could you imagine an arrest being made if Joe Cubicle filed a police report over an over-seasoned chicken sandwich?
Then the FOP wants to pester people for donations over the phone. Why? So abusive cops can opt out of a private supplemental life insurance policy and let the FOP pick up the slack? No thanks, porky. We’ll start looking out for cops when they start looking out for us. Oink.
Unlike the Academy Awards, MTV doesn’t mind if the Video Music Awards turn out to be a train wreck. They count on something going awry because that makes for good television. So if Andy Dick pees on Vanessa Carlton and Madonna French kisses Paris Hilton’s dog du jour, they’ll have plenty of fodder for future programming that does not feature videos. In fact, given the reality-based edge to their programming it’s quite possible that the “M” in MTV stands for Moronic. They don’t care, as long as we keep tuning in. And that’s why the VMAs have to be a disaster.
It was a great year. Britney Spears made a name for herself by having what might have been the greatest body of all time. She had no vocal talent, limited intellectual skills and her dancing wasn’t anything more than a vehicle to make sure he body was writhing in all the right places but she was just a body. Her face wasn’t even that spectacular upon further review. Well Britney proved that there might have been just a smidgeon of talent there early in her career because her performance was awful. She can’t even lip sync anymore and while her body is still better than what you’ll see on most public beaches, it’s far from the Barbie with a pulse vessel she once had. The reports about Brit being grossly out of shape are exaggerated but she has no business getting paid to prance around nearly naked anymore.
Kid Rock decked Tommy Lee. It might have been over Pam Anderson but more likely it was over a bag a weed. In case you though both of them were washed up, security opted to drag Tommy Lee out in a head lock while Kid Rock got to stay. Clearly he’s got a few minutes of fame left but look out Kid, next year Jason Mraz might bitch slap you and you’ll be the one hauled out kicking and screaming.
Of course that prompted plenty of wisecracks from people like Jamie Foxx who quipped something about ending white on white crime. Apparently Jamie was only funny when the Wayans brothers were writing his jokes. It’s not funny. What black people need to realize is that there’s a difference between white people and crackers. Every time white people get together to have a good time, crackers be fucking it up for everybody. You go to the VMAs and crackers be beating each other up in the back over some white trash tramp with a case of hepatitis and a crotch full of crabs. Guys, chill out. There’s room enough for two...and you both know it.
But the star of the show was Kanye West who threw a world class tantrum (again) over not winning any awards. Kanye is clearly the best person in the history of the world ever. He’s bigger than Elvis, The Beatles and Run DMC. Before him there was nothing and after him the world will be a better place. But only if he wins an award, otherwise he’ll punish us with his wrath. Kanye’s a decent rapper but when you get right to it, he’s really a one hit wonder. Gold Digger was a great track but the star of that show was Jamie Fox who performed a spot on impersonation of Ray Charles singing a new version of “I Got a Woman”. Without that pseudo sample Gold Digger wouldn’t have soared to the top of the charts. So that wasn’t Kanye’s song.
Kanye will tell you that Jesus Walk and Touch the Sky were huge hits but they weren’t that big. He’s scored some success and believes that he’s special because he doesn’t rap about drugs and violence but his music is still indulgent. The Fat Boys didn’t rap about drugs and violence either, neither did Kris Kross. Jesus Walk and Touch the Sky are both odes to Kanye’s massive ego. He thinks he is Jesus but Jesus didn’t throw tantrums over not winning awards. Kanye will just have to wait for Rick Ruben to remake his career.