We'll have a gay old time!

Gay-dar. Be it a keen sense or a breakthrough device man has been preoccupied with detecting sexual orientation. Until now there has never been a proven method for detecting homosexuality in men (when it comes to women we have the WNBA). Now the answer is clear: political party. Based on irrefutable evidence and countless studies it’s clear that Republicans are gay. It’s not mutually exclusive, however. While all Republicans are clearly gay, all gays are not Republican.

Larry Craig is the latest conservative queen to be identified. He got caught trying to put the “lay” in layover in a Minneapolis rest room. He copped a plea after trying to cop a feel from an undercover airport police officer. Of course when the story began circulating he denied it, insisted he was framed in a sting operation and called the arresting officer a liar but when the tapes of his interview with that officer became public Craig seemed to be the one struggling with the truth. Now he’s imposed upon his family and they are defending his sexual orientation.

Craig doesn’t deny making contact with the officer in the other stall. He admits that he might have bumped the officer’s foot.When accused of reaching his hand under the stall to gesture for sexual contact, Craig insists he was trying to pick up a stray piece of toilet paper off of the floor. None of it adds up. First of all, compromising the integrity of the stall and making contact with another man is grounds for a world class beating. There’s no oops in the men’s room. Not even when urine misses the mark. Talking is prohibited unless both men are at the sink washing their hands…which never happens because men don’t wash their hands unless their mothers are watching them. Secondly, nobody picks up toilet paper off the rest room floor. Not even the custodial staff. It’s too risky. That toilet paper could have any number of nasty things on it and even if it doesn’t the floor probably does. So every man in the world knows that Craig is a liar.

This comes on the heels of former McCain campaigner and Florida state representative Bob Allen getting arrested in a public restroom for soliciting sex from an undercover office. Again, a male undercover officer. Allen’s excuse was that he was afraid of black people so he figured offering a big black man 20 bucks and a blow job would save him from something worse but if you happen to be straight there really isn’t anything worse. Being forced to perform fellatio on another man is bad enough but losing 20 bucks in the process is just unacceptable. No way was he being honest.

Just before the November 2006 election the Mark Foley scandal broke. Foley was a conservative lynch pin who got caught carrying on a graphic sexual relationship with a teenaged congressional page. Foley blamed booze for his lapse in morals. It’s true that alcohol does impair judgment but it does not change sexual orientation. Nobody was really surprised by Foley’s affair with a nubile page, however, the outrage was over the Republican party trying to sweep that story under the rug and leave Foley on a committee dealing with the sexual abuse of minors.

Of course the homosexual high jinks aren’t limited to elected officials. Conservative Christian leader Tim Haggard stepped down from his pulpit when news of his ongoing sexual relationship with a male prostitute surfaced and there is a list of Republican staffers who are gay making the rounds. And lest we forget, conservative news skank, Jim Guckert owned and operated a gay escort service on the internet while working in the White House press corps. At least he advertised himself as a top, no self respecting conservative would ever choose to be a catcher. He despises gays but for a fee he’ll deliver a night of homoerotic pleasure you won’t soon forget.

Conservative pundits are clearly gay as well. We all know Ann Coulter is a man in drag. It’s the Adam’s apple, stupid. What wayward fraternity brother or horny PFC on leave hasn’t learned that lesson the hard way? The difference is that straight men don’t go back for more. Republicans do. Glenn Beck does. He also shops at pottery barn and adores scented candles. And while Rush Limbaugh hasn’t been taken to task on his boy toy at home, we all know it’s only a matter of time before we see a You Tube video of that beefy blowhard on his hands and knees reenacting Ned Beatty’s infamous scene from Deliverance. Wheee! Wheee! Wheee!

Poking fun by calling it the Gay Old Party isn’t fair. Republicans are deeper than that. It’s a big tent, filled with all kinds of kinky gay sex that would make the Village People blush. Republicans like it dirty and it’s so much more exciting when its taboo. Besides, there are plenty of respectable gay people out there who don’t deserve to be lumped in with these conservative freaks.

Republicans engage in the nasty fetish-oriented side of homosexuality. That’s why they legislate against it. Increasing the risk enhances the pleasure. The age old adage in Washington is that only two things can kill a political career. Teddy Kennedy proved to be the exception to the dead girl theory, now Republicans are racing to see who can overcome the albatross of a live boy. Somebody’s got to beat it, right? And the one who does will be a heavy hitter in conservative politics for decades to come.

However, Republicans are only human. We all have a tendency to overindulge and that’s why it seems that every day another Republican stalwart is caught up in another gay scandal. Nobody in the GOP wants to stand up and forcefully denounce the depravity because everybody’s doing it. Ask not for whom the bell tolls or in this case, for whom the chimes tinkle.