Thursday, January 10, 2008


Caucuses. That doesn't sound good. I think I've been hacking up a good bit of caucus lately. All I know about them is that they happen in Iowa and New Hampshire and they play a roll in who the next president will be. That's unsettling.

Most people have never been to Iowa and if they have their way it will stay that way. Those same people were probably quite surprised to realize that New Hampshire is still a state. I know I was. It's hard to pick two states more obscure than Iowa and New Hampshire which is probably why both states clamor for attention by holding early primaries. It's like gymnastics and track, people only care about them once every four years. And then interest is marginal at best. Now if Hillary would get on the balance beam and do a few splits....ew. Sorry, that was wrong. Let's see if Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich can get their wives to do some splits for us. That would be better. In fact, if Fred and Dennis were the candidates this summer Their wives might actually get into a good old fashioned cat fight. One of those sexy cat fights where they rip off each others clothes and end up making out. That would be awesome.

It's funny that a handful of marginally literate sod farmers and the six people who live in New Hampshire have so much clout in determining who will represent the major parties in the upcoming election. Not only do these states represent a fraction of the electoral votes necessary to win the White House, they harbor the strangest people. New Hampshire is notable for it's motto: Live Free or Die. Sadly, residents tend to die. Mostly because of Lyme disease as New Hampshire is infested with deer ticks. Surely that affects voting.

Don't confuse Lyme Disease with Key Lime Syndrome. Key Lime Syndrome is a disorder that compels people to drink frozen cocktails and wear ugly shorts. Lyme Disease is a horrible affliction that makes people forget how to enunciate the letter "r".

Corn is Iowa's state motto. Interestingly enough corn is also Iowa's state flower, state tree, and state bird. You might be think corn doesn't fly but if you happen to visit Iowa during tornado season (February through December) you'll be proven wrong. Iowa is known as the Hawkeye State but that's because of the dirty look they gave Nebraska when Nebraska copy righted the term corn husker. It's true.

These are states that simply don't matter. The US Government put a bunch of missile silos in Iowa so the Soviets would target most of their missiles there. They didn't care about Iowa then and still don't as many of the missiles hidden in Iowa have been left to deteriorate and ooze radioactive sludge into Iowa's water table. New Hampshire is even less important. The only reason it was created was to cut Maine off from the rest of the country. For Some reason people from Maine get lost in New Hampshire and can't get out. New Hampshire is like a geographical roach motel.

I've been to both states. New Hampshire is mercifully brief but Iowa is like a treadmill. It doesn't look that long but it takes about two day to drive through it. If not for the deer ticks New Hampshire might even be charming but take one step out of your car and you'll find your body covered in tiny bloodsuckers hell bent on boring into your vascular tissue and laying eggs in your brain. I don't like the idea that these people have an influence on who Florida and Ohio will foist on us.

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