Republicans trim roster, but what game will they play?

Mitt Romney closed out his presidential campaign stating that he needs to step aside so the Democrats don’t win. What really happened is that the big cronies in the GOP camp promised him a spot on the ticket. He had a great run but there’s only room for one religious crackpot in the presidential race and the people have spoken. They’d rather have a freak who actually believes the world is 6,000 years old in the White House than a Mormon.

It figures. After all, Mormonism is just a much older version of scientology. The religions were created in very much the same way. We know that Scientology was invented by a mediocre-at-best science fiction writer who concocted a bogus religion in the midst of a year-long bender. Amidst a haze of drugs, alcohol and unsavory women, L. Ron Hubbard drafted Dianetics. What started off as a joke between friends morphed into a very serious cult that has attracted people rich and powerful enough to put the kibosh on public mockery.

Mormons didn’t have Tom Cruise and John Travolta on their side way back when Joseph Smith claimed to have translated religious texts from ancient golden plates back in the early 1800s so the handful of people who read the Book of Mormon and actually believed it wandered westward until they ended up in the middle of Utah next to a big salty lake that smelled like sulfur. Now, most people in their right minds wouldn’t think of taking up residence down wind of what can only be described as a cesspool but we are talking about people who gave up everything to follow a religion some washed up hack of a writer created. Nobody in that wagon train was in his right mind. And if you ever visit Salt Lake City you might be inclined to agree that they still aren’t .

Of course, in defense of Mormons and Scientologists, is Christianity really that much different? Look at the brand of religion Mike Huckabee practices. This guy will look you straight in the eye and tell you that God created the world in seven days and it all took place about 6000 years ago. Archeological evidence that provides proof to the contrary is nothing but tricks buried in the ground by the devil. That’s why Huckabee won’t win the nomination. Most conservatives like a man who talks a good god but they don’t want somebody who actually believes that crap. McCain and Romney are a match made in heaven.

Of course Romney might want to stop pointing the moral finger at Democrats. We’ve had 8 years of Republican dominated leadership and I’m not sure the country is ready for more of that brand of morality. Is gay marriage still an issue? I find it hard to believe that gay marriage made Larry Craig feel the need to solicit a love connection in an airport men’s room. Ted Haggard didn’t smoke a blend of crystal meth and man meat because Ohio State University chose to extended healthcare benefits to homosexual partners. The ACLU didn’t force anybody to have sexual relations with congressional pages.

Romney’s preaching from a pulpit of moral piety but he’s standing and thin ice. The Republican Party seems to embrace a concept of strict social discretion but they don’t have a concept of personal morality. That’s really the underlying theme in spirituality. The Bible is not intended to be a blueprint of how to run a country but rather how one person should tend to his own affairs. And Republicans have proven that their notion of morality doesn’t work. Conservative leaders frothed at the mouth over Janet Jacksons nipple getting 0.27 seconds of air time during a Super Bowl halftime performance but when Mark Foley got caught dipping his wick in teenaged boys those same leaders conspired to sweep the mess under a rug.

Now one would not be out of line to dismiss the Republican Party as a band of hypocritical pederasts who seek to codify morality into enforceable legislation for the sole purpose of enhancing the sexual tension of their perverted indulgences but let's not go overboard and call them closet homosexuals. It’s wrong to categorize the acts of Mark Foley and Larry Craig as homosexual because the vast majority of homosexuals don’t go to such extremes. That’s more or less a Republican thing. They aren’t gay, they just enjoy kinky sexual encounters with other men, or boys. Sometimes sheep but in Rush Limbaugh’s case he thought that ewe had eaten his bottle of Oxy. Say, didn't he once have some pretty good ideas on how to deal with addicts?

That’s why McCain’s in the lead. In a world full of angry white men who can’t get enough penis McCain might be the one guy with clear vision. Even if he can’t decide what that vision is. Back in October of 2004 the man was practically endorsing John Kerry, then he did a complete 180 and threw his enthusiastic support behind George W. Bush. McCain even met with Jerry Falwell, a man he once called a divisive zealot, and kissed his wrinkled butt to pander to the wild-eyed, snake-handling Christians Karl Rove coaxed to the polls. It threw them off because the fundamentalists weren’t used to going to church on Tuesday...that’s wife beating day...but it worked and they kept things close enough for the rigged ballots in Florida and Ohio to do their thing.

McCain learned a lesson but maybe it came too late. He used to be a bulldog who grabbed hold of the important issues and wouldn’t let go until his party dealt with them. The guy had balls. Now they’re gone. And in a party so infatuated with male genitalia it really doesn’t come as a surprise.