Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Lying: It's What we do best.

Andy Pettite, in case you don’t know, is a professional baseball player who happens to be BFFs with Roger Clemens. Both were named in the dreaded Mitchell Report as performance enhancing drug users. Clemens initially bit his tongue while he waited for his attorneys to craft a defense while Pettite confessed that he did use Human Growth Hormone to recover from an injury. Clemens has proven himself to be one of the biggest assholes on the face of the earth as he clumsily points the finger at everybody but himself.

Both of them are lying. Pettite doesn’t think he’s a cheater and he even tossed the GOD card out during a press conference. Somehow GOD told him that it was OK to take HGH, apparently as long as he didn’t try to throw a perfect game or break any records because then it would count as cheating. It’s nice to see that GOD has the time to advise Andy Pettite but can’t seem to clear his schedule off for issues like poverty, famine and the Bush Administration. Nice work up there, big guy. Pettite apparently doesn't know that every great lie starts with those three little letters: G-O-D. When people pray on someting it means they conspired. If somebody claims that they're at peace with Jesus it's because they know the rest of the world is going to see them for the deceitful frauds that they are. Sure, use Jesus as a character witness, it's not like he'll refute it.

Pettite even testified that Clemens told him that he used HGH too. Now Clemens is calling his lover..I mean butt buddy…everything just short of a liar. Andy don’t hear so good, and he miss-remembers things. My mom told me to take b-12 shots. My wife takes HGH. Sure Rocket, we believe you.

This is just the latest in a long line of losing arguments. Why do people try to save face when the shit has hit the fan and splattered everything thing they own? You made the bed, go ahead and lay in it.

I think about Roger Clemens stumbling over his words and deflecting blame like Wonder Woman bouncing bullets off of her bracelets and wonder why he didn’t throw the high heat. Just admit that you took steroids. Take this imaginary transcript:

Shameless Congressional Bully: Did you take performance enhancing drugs. Mr. Clemens? And I remind you that you are under oath.

Roger Clemens’ big fat face: Yep.

Flat-chested Congressional Harpy: I’m sorry, can you repeat that?

Fat Face: Yes. I took performance enhancing drugs.

Bald, rat-like Congressional troll: Why did you take them?

Clemens: To play better, stupid.

Aside from a lot of gaveling and other elected officials rephrasing questions to get more face time on ESPN rather than CSPAN, the whole ordeal would have ended right there. Other than a lot of stupid posturing there’s nothing more to say. Roger Clemens doesn’t care if some 15 year-old in Pottsville takes steroids and he shouldn’t. As long as the league was looking the other way and the criminal justice system put steroids somewhere below counterfeit Groucho Glasses on the list of enforcement priorities Clemens did what any other aging athlete would do. That doesn’t make him a hero but being honest about it would have.

Brutal honesty is the best policy. I love Mel Gibson as an actor but I was really disappointed with his response to the whole anti-Semitic rant ordeal. Rather than meeting with Rabbinical leaders and asking for forgiveness Mel should have just admitted that he doesn’t like Jews:

By now you’ve all heard about my drunken rant in the back of a cop car. Let me just state for the record that those Malibu cops are just a bunch of glorified meter maids who don’t protect anything other than a front row seat at Krispy Kreme.

I’d also like to say that I don’t like Jews. I believe that Jews killed Jesus and I’m harboring a grudge on that one. It’s not personal, it’s theology. Hitler was way out of line with the Holocaust but I kind of get where he was coming from. Sorry if that offends you, that’s just how I feel.

That’s harsh stuff and I don’t agree with the sentiment but I’d have to give the guy props for being honest. It’s more refreshing than running to the nearest rehab clinic to hide behind substance abuse.

Bill Clinton dodged a qualified bullet when he said he didn’t inhale. What he should have said is that he ate it in a brownie instead. And that line about not liking it? Please. Everybody likes it. Bill should have said:

Dude, I play the Sax….of course I use marijuana. I only went into politics because I got tired of smoking shake and scraping resin out of my bong. I’m gonna be smoking that endo, baby. All the way to the White Hizzie.

If he had been honest about his love affair with ganja he could have easily altered his testimony when asked about his affair with Monica Lewinsky:

I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky but I was so stoned I could have been raped by Rush Limbaugh and I wouldn’t have noticed.

And speaking of Rush, I would have been forced to give him credit if he would have had the nerve to face his drug scandal with a little candor:

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s true that I, Rush Limbaugh, am hooked on narcotics. I like to get low. I know I’m on record as stating that drug addicts should be locked up in prison and I still believe that. I also believe that an exception should be made in the case of all rich white men. I didn’t think I had to clarify that being a Republican but there it is. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to have my illegal immigrant housekeeper score me an ounce of Afghan Gold and I’m going to melt away in the corner.

Imagine how refreshing it would be. George W. Bush could admit that Dick Cheney’s calling all the shots, except for the one that hit Harry Whittington in the face of course and Dick Cheney could admit that they stopped thinking about 9-11 on 9-13. Where do you go from there? There’s no story when the truth comes out.

What would we do if OJ Simpson came out and admitted that he did kill Nicole and Ron, then stuck out his tongue and said nyah, nyah? Yeah, I killed the bitch and that little boy toy of hers too. So kiss my black ass. Hard core? Yes, but how do you deal with it? We can’t do anything about it and the closure of him finally putting any speculation to rest would allow OJ and the whole stupid saga to fade into sweet anonymity. Nobody really cares that he’s free...nobody outside of the Brown and Goldman families cares about the victims. The only reason this case is still an issue is because of OJ, but if he fesses up we’ve got nothing to fret over.

Of course it’s never going to happen. We’re born to lie. We learn at a very early age that honesty is only the best policy when somebody else is to blame. Think about it, do you remember that first time your mom coaxed the truth out of you by promising she wouldn’t be mad? That was the last time wasn’t it?

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