Tuesday, October 02, 2012

For the Kids


I was wondering when somebody in the NFL might take a stand for the right. In fact, I was surprised that somebody came out in favor of gay marriage. Most athletes have religion crammed down their throats by their coaches and peers.

Even though Matt Birk has attempted to offer his point of view in an eloquent and non-combative manner, his position is selfish, arrogant  and generally repugnant. Moreover, it is cowardly. How dare you hide your bigotry behind children?

Louis C.K. addressed this point brilliantly in one of his monologues. Basically his position is 'Who gives a fuck?"

Seriously, Matt Birk, your kids are your problem. As a parent it is your job to explain things to them. If you're not comfortable explaining why two guys are getting married, that's indicative of a deficiency with you, not society.

I don't know what it is about gay marriage that frightens you, and I really don't care. Perhaps you're worried that it will encourage your kids to be gay. I hate to break it to you, it doesn't work that way. It never has. Our society has been absolutely cruel to homosexuals but they keep popping up and since I'm personally acquainted with a few, and actually knew some of them as kids, I can personally attest to the fact that it was not a choice. One classmate grew up in a family with a lot of machismo to go around. His brothers were jocks, but he was always a bit girly. That's not always the case with homosexuality  but when it manifests in such an obvious way, it's pretty hard to buy into the "choice" theory.

I'll tell you what is a choice, though, big guy:it's called parental oppression. If one of your kids happens to be gay and you take this intolerant tack at home, that kid is going to be screwed up. Because you're a bigot, you'll blame society's tolerance of "the gay lifestyle" but it will be 100% on you.

We often associate certain psychological problems and self destructive behavioral patterns with homosexuality, but those issues have nothing to do with sexuality, it's the abuse from friends and family that causes that. Can you imagine what it must be like, Matt? Stop and try to think about what it would be like if your father was vehemently opposed to your own sexual orientation. Generally people like you can't fathom what it's like to be gay, but imagine if you had to pretend you were all your life just to please him. 
It would suck. You'd be neurotic.

In fact, that's why so many of us are supporting gay rights, and it's not just marriage equality. We want people to feel secure knowing that they won't be fired, or have their homes vandalized if they choose not to hide their sexual orientation.

I get so tired of people saying that marriage is sacred when the only thing they seem to think threatens marriage is homosexuality. Have you stopped to consider just about every marriage in Hollywood? Hell, Matt Birk, you're in the NFL. A lot of your teammates cheat on their wives every chance they get, isn't that more of a threat to your sense of marital values?

Seriously, I think that it's a lot harder to explain to your kids why Bret Favre texted a picture of his penis to some intern than it is to explain why two dudes are holding hands. Let's try:

Little Birkling: "Daddy, what's a sext?"

Big Dumb Birk: "Where did you hear that?"
Birkling: "I heard that Bret Favre was sexting?"

Birk: "You're too young to talk about it."

Birkling: "So if I like a girl I should show her my peepee?"

 
Birk: "No. Never do that."

Birkling: "But you showed mommy yours."
Birk: "That's different."
Birkling: "She swallows right?"

Birk: "Stop it."
Birkling: "I like Miss Crabopple. She's my art teacher. I'm going to paint her a picture of my peepee."

Birk: "DO NOT DO THAT."

Birkling: "Daddy?"

Birk: "What?"

Birkling: "Were you on that whore boat with Dante Culpepper?"


Look at how that conversation spirals out of control. Bret Favre ruined your child's life. He's going to have an affair with a 38 year old art teacher because Bret couldn't keep his penis off of the information super highway, and your son heard the story when he was watching ESPN for highlight of you. Now let's try gay marriage:

 
Birkling: "Ewwwww. Daddy those to guys are kissing."
Birk: "They just got married."

Birkling: "But it's two boys, daddy. Boys don't do that."
Birk: "Some boys do. Some boys like other boys."
Birkling: "I like boys, but I don't want to kiss one."
Birk: " That's fine. I like boys too, but I like to kiss girls."

Birkling: "You kiss mommy."

Birk: "Yep. I married your mom"

Birkling: "Did you ever kiss a boy?"
Birk: "No. Not like that."

Birkling: "So some boys have girlfriends, but some boys have boyfriends?"
Birk: "Exactly, and some girls have girlfriends."

Birkling: "Oh."
Yeah, I can see how that is detrimental to a child's development. If we allow gay marriage, it might instill a sense of tolerance  Then your kid might grow up to have a gay friend, because he won't feel inclined to beat up somebody over something he doesn't understand. And--holy shit!--your kid might grow up without feeling the need to suppress his own sexual identity.
Birkling (at 17): "Dad, remember that time we talked about the married guys?"
Birk: "Yeah?"
Birkling: "Well, I'm gay. I had a feeling I was even way back then but my friends at school always made fun of homosexuality so I didn't want say anything, but I remembered our talk and I figured I could tell you."
Birk: "Son, I love you no matter what."

It's kind of sappy, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative:

 
Cop: "I'm sorry Mr. Birk. It appears your son committed suicide. He left this note."
In too many cases, it really does go that way.

Ultimately, the kids have nothing to do with it. This is just a smoke screen. There is no evidence out there which proves that same sex marriages provide a more stable environment in which to raise children. Perhaps you've heard of something called a "dysfunctional family"? Yeah, straight couples have pretty much fucked the institutions of marriage and parenting six ways from Sunday, so it's unlikely that homosexuals will make things worse.

Get over yourself, asshole. This isn't about you or the tiny little vacuum you want to raise your kids in. If you're not man enough to handle the real world, get neutered.



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